Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts

A Wife's Letter to Her Husband on Pornography


The best lessons are those from those that have gone before us. The following letter was written in 1999. Although it is thirteen years old, the truth and pain ring true. Many women may have had similar experiences yet it is difficult to put pen to paper and document your anger and sorrow. Here is one brave wife's letter to her husband on pornography.

To My Dear Husband,

I’m sitting here watching you pack, too numb to cry, too sad to feel. How did we come to this? Why 
does it have to end this way?

I saw it coming, I guess, but thought if I pretended like it wasn’t true, then it wouldn’t really be. I 
don’t even remember what was the first thing that began this rollercoaster of a marriage because I 
was trying so hard to play the ostrich, hoping the problem would go away.

I remember when I opened up our phone bill that once and saw $1000 staring at me, all made to 900 
numbers. I confronted you with this and you repented, asking me to put a 900 block on the phone to 
help you with your self-control. I did, feeling as if I had locked away the alcohol from an alcoholic -- 
until the next phone bill was $600, filled with calls to international numbers still for the purpose of 
phone sex, but that by-passed the 900 block. I felt like such a failure. Obviously I was not enough of a 
woman to keep you from wanting these other women...or so I thought. I didn’t know that this 
addiction had control of you, that it was the ruler of your behavior. All I could wonder was how far 
would your addiction drive you? And what would be left of us when it was through with you?

So, to counter the newest phone problem, I had the phone company do an international block on our 
phone. Finally, the problem seemed solved for a long time. I thought.

I was dusting the bookcases by the television one day and I found your stock of porn movies, all with 
obviously sexual titles. Again, when I confronted you with them, you told me you were merely 
intrigued and you were taking them back that day. I wanted to believe you, hoping that this was an 
isolated case. How gullible I was!

The next time I found them, I thought, maybe the reason he is so into these is because I’m not doing 
something right in bed. Maybe if I watch them, I could find out what I needed to change, how I needed 
to improve, how I could be so enticing to my husband that he had no need for outside stimulation. 
With a trembling hand, I put the first one in the VCR. I remember very clearly when you came home 
and found me trying to figure out what you saw in this poorly acted and loveless video. You scolded 
me profusely and told me that you were shocked that I would do something like that. I could never 
understand why it was okay for you to watch but not something you thought I should be watching.

Later that week, as we were making love, you put the video in the VCR in the bedroom and told me 
to watch it with you. That began the routine that would tear us apart. From then on, my body was 
never enough to excite you. You rarely touched me, caressed me, kissed me. Sex became centered 
around you and your pleasure. I did all I could to make it enjoyable for you, but you still couldn’t be 
aroused without first watching unrealistic bodies performing unrealistic acts, totally devoid of love 
and commitment.

Our lovemaking sessions became fewer and your time alone watching the movies became your 
obsession. Instead of enjoying my body anymore, you wanted to just watch me pleasure myself, or to 
just listen from another room instead of participate in loving your wife, playing the role of voyeur and 
reducing me to the same kind of whore you watched on your daily videos. Soon, even that wasn’t 
enough so you added adult toys and then the fantasizing started.

I’m sure you had been fantasizing in your mind for a long time, but now it was becoming verbal and 
you concocted stories, fantasy stories, where you watched another man having sex with me. Now, in 
our marriage bed, there were three people, only in fantasy, yes, but as for me, it might as well have 
been as real. I felt as if you were wanting another man to come in and rape your wife in front of you in 
order to arouse you. I started getting scared that you would bring someone home to make that 

I remember the night that friend of yours came home with you and you let him stay upstairs in the 
spare bedroom. All night long I laid awake, afraid if I slept, I’d wake up to an unwanted threesome. 
You swore up and down that you would never ask me to do such a thing, but our love making was 
increasingly bathed in fantasies of other men in bed with us and I felt like you’d rather make love to 
anyone other than me.

You asked me what I fantasized about and seemed disappointed when I said that you were the only 
man I had ever been with and ever wanted to be with. I wanted you more than anything. Finally, in 
order to please you, my husband, I would lie about my fantasies, tell you that there were other men I 
had thought about, dreamed about. I hated every minute of it!

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