| Your addiction was now beginning to effect our times outside of the bedroom. We would argue more and more and you would call me bitch and slut and call me ugly and fat. You even pushed me a few times. You threw things at me. I could never do anything right. And you didn’t want to kiss me because I repulsed you. I just wanted to love you! And then IT happened. You brought home an Internet account, under the guise of a present for me, and the end began. It wasn’t long before I discovered your real purpose for getting the Internet in our home. I found 7 responses to personal ads in our e-mail sent mail box. You told these women that you thought they were beautiful, sexy, luscious. All the words you used to use for me when we first married. You told them you were single. You even told them that you were bi-sexual. My heart shattered to pieces! The websites you were visiting were becoming more and more degenerate until you confessed to me about finding a snuff site, where you could see pictures of someone killing someone while having sex with them. How utterly awful!! I was terrified by this time! I was scared to sleep, this time not afraid of being raped, but afraid that I might never wake up again. I’d wait until you were asleep and then I’d sneak out to the couch and sleep a couple of hours before I had to get up and go to work. Meanwhile, you were so engrossed in adult chat rooms and porn sites, that you wouldn’t get a job and every day I saw us go further and further in debt. I would go to work in the morning and you would sit at home amidst dirty dishes, messy rooms, dirty clothes and when I came home at night, you would greet me with, “What’s for supper?”, still sitting in the middle of a dirty house, untouched in anyway. I quickly fixed the supper and then I left for my second job, always asking you if you would like to come and help me clean the offices. The response was always the same. No. I would come home late and crawl into bed, so tired I could barely walk...and then early the next morning the same hell on earth would start again, over and over, until my body gave out on me and I had to quit my second job. You got mad at me, telling me that I was always sick. Then one night I came home from work and found that our telephone had been cut off. I was livid. I had no idea how far behind we were in our payments because it dawned on me that I hadn’t seen a bill for a couple of months. The day after work I stopped at the telephone office to find out how much we owed and how we could get it turned back on. Since we only have local service on our phone (you remember, I took all long distance off because you were calling your “family” and talking for hours and we couldn’t afford the bills) so I didn’t think it would be for more than $150. Imagine my surprise when I found out we owed over $600!! When I asked for a print out of the bill, I hesitated to look at it. I knew what the calls were but I couldn’t figure out how you had them charged to our phone! And then I saw it. Collect calls from all over the United States. It was easy to put together what had happened. You had talked to women in the adult chat rooms and you had them calling you collect!! I asked you to leave. We said we needed to separate so you sold our tools, our couch and our tv set to get enough money for the train and an apartment. I loved you so much, but I knew we couldn’t be together. We both cried on the way to the train station, but how could we continue the way they were? Two nights later, on our second anniversary, you called our neighbor collect and asked him to get me on the phone. You begged to come back, saying you had all your money stolen and you loved me so much that you couldn’t stand to live without me. I let you come back. That was 7 months ago but things haven’t changed at all...at least, not for the better. You came home, determined to beat your addiction, but it was not to be beaten down. You asked me to change the password to the Internet so you couldn’t be online when I wasn’t here and I agreed. It worked for a month or so, but then one morning at 6 you woke me up, ordering me to let you online. I refused since I didn’t have to be up for another hour and I knew what you would be doing while I lay there sleeping. You first began by threatening to erase the hard drive of the computer if I didn’t let you on right then and then you turned to threatening me. You told me that if I didn’t let you on, you could “take care” of me and no one would ever find me because you’d use boric acid to dissolve all the evidence away. Terrified, I typed in the password, twice, because the first time I typed it wrong, my fingers were so shaky. I went to work that day, feeling so very hollow inside, wondering if I wouldn’t be better off dead than to go home again. You pleaded and begged for me to come home and to forgive you. And again, I did. I loved you so! Soon after, you went to visit your dad and came back telling me that you had a job offer there, far away from here. You then continued on to tell me that you couldn’t live like I wanted you to live and how mismatched we were. I was stunned. When it sunk in what you were telling me, I became bitter and angry. I couldn’t help but wonder if a woman from the Internet was tempting you away from me, although you always said no. I lashed back at you the only way I could, verbally. You came at me and hit me for the first -- and last -- time. And here I sit, watching you pack, too numb to cry, too sad to feel. I have always loved you. I will always love you. You were my forever love. But your addiction is too much for me to live with. Good-bye, my husband, the man I vowed to keep myself for, to honor, to cherish and love forever. May God some day set you free. your wife Reprinted with the permission of OAIM - Open Arms Internet Ministry |
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Copyright 2007-2012. Porn Addict Hubby. All rights reserved.
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A Wife's Letter to Her Husband on Pornography |
