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Copyright 2007-2012. Porn Addict Hubby. All rights reserved.
| Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts |
This site is for informational purposes and is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.
Each month, PAH will interview a wife or girlfriend that has managed to save their relationship. BEEN THERE DONE THAT "Christy" - Age 34 How did you discover your partner's problem with porn? What did you do and how did you feel in the first few weeks and months? I am the wife of a sexual addict. I lived with my husband for over ten years before I knew what was tearing him, and our marriage, apart. He was moody, angry, defensive, and totally lacking in desire for me. He once said, "I don't need intimacy." The truth was revealed to me this past year when I installed and saw that he had been setting up 'dates' from Craigslist call girl ads when he was out of town on business. My husband had an addiction that I still find unbelievable. It involved the Internet, adult bookstores, voyeurism, prostitution and time—lots of time. It took over his whole life and nearly destroyed our family. I was shell shocked. I felt my entire world was thrown on the floor and stomped on. Even worse I had to hide my emotions from our two children. I had no I idea at the time if we were going to make it through this or not. But I knew that any details of their father's specific problems would end up having an impact on their lives and how they view their own sexuality. His sexual addiction had already impacted our lives and our marriage and I wanted to ensure our children were kept out of this. There was a time for about a week I acted like June Cleaver getting the kids off to school and then I just came home and fell back into bed crying. I was just emotionally and physically exhausted all the time. I had a hard time staying asleep at night. I don't know if it was from all of the subconscious worrying or the anger at the man next to me in bed. I cut him off sexually for a time. I couldn't fathom sleeping with someone that had lied and cheated as he had. I will never be able to look at him in the same way again. I still love him and we are working on rebuilding our marriage, but everything remains a little off from where my opinion was of him before.
him conquer the addiction and get your sense of balance back. No doubt, Covenant Eyes has been a big help in keeping him clean at home. It was the thrill of the chase he said that kept him surfing until 3 AM most days. He had a sales job that him traveling out of town a lot. That changed too. His counselor suggested that he try to eliminate all triggers to stay on track. He switched to a different division within his company so he doesn't have to tempted by the All-You-Can-Watch XXX channels at hotels. He tried a 12-step group but felt strange about opening up to strangers with his problems. He found a great sexual addiction counselor. My husband was sexually molested during puberty and was exposed to pornography at an early age. The men he worked with in his old division passed pornographic magazines around and talked about their favorite porn Web sites. He tried to fight it, but it was bigger than him. He couldn't change the group, so he left to a cleaner, and safer division. What lessons (good and/or bad) did you both learn along the way? For awhile I wanted to just run away from this and divorce him. But the more I looked around at some of my friends who are dating again post divorce, I realized that porn is everywhere now. There is no guarantee that the next fish that you pull out of the water will be any better. For the sake of my children, I decided to give him another chance. We had ten years of history and we was willing to confess to his weaknesses and make an honest effort and a clean start. That is what convinced me to stay. On his side, he realized that it was time for him to grow up. He couldn't act like a horny 14-year old boy for the rest of his life. The lifestyle he was choosing was not compatible with that of father and husband. When he acted out he was making choices not just for himself, but for each one of us in the family. My kids weren't choosing to lose their Dad, but that is what he was (almost) forcing onto them. How do you view the experience now that you have made it through the worst? If anyone reading this thinks their behavior is not affecting them, think about this; my husband isolated himself from everyone, he had no friends. He kept me at arm's length and violated the marriage vows. For a time he could not see his children without supervision. He was depressed and suicidal. He had lost his self-respect and almost his family. I can't imagine for a moment it was worth it. I knew I had turned a corner when I could stop obsessing about what he was doing every minute of the day and began to focus on me - my wounds and hurts. It took me almost three years to feel good about myself again. I know that everyone has a different experience with this addiction. I took it really hard. I gained weight and had a bad struggle with my self esteem. We are finally at a point where we can talk about it in the past tense - our 'rough patch'. I know how Tiger Woods' wife feels to a certain point. When I married it was for better or worse. We definitely have had our worse. Do I trust my husband? Not out of town on business. I'm not stupid. I trust that he will talk to me about getting help if he is feeling down or weak. I trust that he will not try to run this marriage off the road again. If you have kept your relationship together, please consider contacting help@pornaddicthubby.com to help other women do the same. Pseudonyms are fine. Thank you for helping other women rescue their relationships. |
