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Copyright 2007-2008. Porn Addict Hubby. All rights reserved.
| PornAddictHubby.com |
| Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts |
This site is for informational purposes and is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.
Co-Dependency and Porn Addiction
"When the codependent is drowning, someone else's life flashes before their eyes." - Author Unknown
Co-Dependent Quiz
If a majority of the above sounds like a description of you, you may be co-dependent
in your relationship.
How can co-dependency and porn addiction work together? On a base level, the
co-dependent wife or girlfriend has a desperate desire to feel needed. If porn addiction
exists, most of your actions could be based on fear and self-protection instead of
assessing what you deserve to have in your life and taking assertive action to make
it happen. If you need to feel in control, you may try to fix your husband or boyfriend's
problem on your own. Or you may take on your husband or boyfriend’s responsibilities
when he drops the ball. It’s just easier than dealing with the negative consequences
that may result.
Albeit an extreme case, let’s look at the example of the German woman in the PAH blog
(December 27) who uses a shock collar on her husband to keep him from getting out of
bed at night to surf for porn. The husband doesn’t have to take any responsibility for his
actions or the consequences of poor job performance due to lack of sleep. The wife says
they are willing to do whatever it takes to save their 12 year marriage. How about some
accountability software and boundaries? How about regular men’s support groups and
joint counseling?
Let's look at less extreme examples of how a spouse or girlfriend can lose perspective and take on her partner's responsibilities
when it comes to managing his porn addiction:
Codependency isn't about the other people around you - it's about your relationship with yourself. Codependents believe that if
their husband or boyfriend's problem with porn is solved, all of their problems would disappear. The reality is quite different. Many
addicts find that once they are clean, their relationships with codependent wives or girlfriends change dramatically as the entire
dynamic of their relationship was based on the addict being the one with the illness. If you are codependent, you may have no idea
how to adjust to the change once he is recovered.
This is his problem with porn and he has to take the lead role in finding lasting solutions that will work for him. If any of this
sounds familiar, have the courage to seek counselling not just for your partner but yourself as well.
PAH
Co-Dependent Quiz
• Do you feel responsible for your husband or boyfriend’s thoughts, actions and well-being?
• Do you try to help him solve his problem with porn by taking care of his feelings?
• Do you feel the safest and most comfortable when you are fixing his problems?
• Do you feel insecure or guilty when someone gives to you?
• Do you feel empty or bored if you don’t have a problem to solve or drama in your life?
• Do you find yourself unable to stop thinking and worrying about his problem with porn?
• Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?
• Do you find yourself making excuses for him because of the fear of losing the relationship?
• Are you staying in your problematic relationship in order to have someone keep loving you?
• Do you leave unhealthy relationships only to find yourself in the same scenario with a new one?
If a majority of the above sounds like a description of you, you may be co-dependent
in your relationship.
How can co-dependency and porn addiction work together? On a base level, the
co-dependent wife or girlfriend has a desperate desire to feel needed. If porn addiction
exists, most of your actions could be based on fear and self-protection instead of
assessing what you deserve to have in your life and taking assertive action to make
it happen. If you need to feel in control, you may try to fix your husband or boyfriend's
problem on your own. Or you may take on your husband or boyfriend’s responsibilities
when he drops the ball. It’s just easier than dealing with the negative consequences
that may result.
Albeit an extreme case, let’s look at the example of the German woman in the PAH blog
(December 27) who uses a shock collar on her husband to keep him from getting out of
bed at night to surf for porn. The husband doesn’t have to take any responsibility for his
actions or the consequences of poor job performance due to lack of sleep. The wife says
they are willing to do whatever it takes to save their 12 year marriage. How about some
accountability software and boundaries? How about regular men’s support groups and
joint counseling?
Let's look at less extreme examples of how a spouse or girlfriend can lose perspective and take on her partner's responsibilities
when it comes to managing his porn addiction:
- Checking the history of any computer he uses (work, your mother's house, etc.) and deleting the XXX sites so he won't get
into trouble or have his secret outed. - You know where he is every minute of everyday.
- Quit your job or rearrange your schedule so that there is no time for him to be left alone to surf for porn online
- Take things into your own hands since he hasn't done what you think needs to be done.
- Deleting porn images from his cell phone but not insisting the Internet call service is terminated.
- Accepting of his increased stress/anxiety rationalizations for using porn.
- Not wanting to rock the boat, you decide to put up with his habit.
- Providing excuses to his boss, bill collectors or your friends and family for his failings that you attribute to his addiction.
(Ie. oversleeping due to late night porn sessions may lead to missed days of work, overspending on online porn may lead to
financial problems, isolation to continue the porn habit may lead to missed social obligations)
Codependency isn't about the other people around you - it's about your relationship with yourself. Codependents believe that if
their husband or boyfriend's problem with porn is solved, all of their problems would disappear. The reality is quite different. Many
addicts find that once they are clean, their relationships with codependent wives or girlfriends change dramatically as the entire
dynamic of their relationship was based on the addict being the one with the illness. If you are codependent, you may have no idea
how to adjust to the change once he is recovered.
- Enabling codependents may somehow inhibit their partner's recovery so the unhealthy relationship dynamics are maintained.
- Addicted codependents or codependents in denial who hide behind their husband or boyfriend's problem with porn may
leave the relationship once recovery is initiated rather than face the need to address their own issues. They may find
another man struggling with addiction so they can cling to their own destructive patterns. - Controlling codependents often feel 'lost' without someone to blame, fix and control.
This is his problem with porn and he has to take the lead role in finding lasting solutions that will work for him. If any of this
sounds familiar, have the courage to seek counselling not just for your partner but yourself as well.
PAH
Additional Pornography Addiction Resources
