Porn Addict Hubby - Porn Addiction Expert Interview Molly Ann Miller

Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of
Internet Pornography Addicts

This site is for informational purposes and is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

PAH: 'When I heard his car drive up to the house I was sorry he was still alive, knowing the pain of rejection his arrival would bring.'
This statement speaks of a painful truth that many wives and girlfriends of sex addicts can relate to. What advice can you offer that
would urge them to take action and not live in this painful limbo?

Molly Ann Miller: I mistakenly thought the only way out of my misery was if he died! I didn’t realize I had choices; I was such a
codependent victim! I prayed, begged and waited for him to change, but the only one I could change was myself. It took so much pain
before I found my voice and took action; I learned we can’t wait for others to change. We are responsible for own emotional and
physical health. “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” Finally, I told him to leave or get help. I’d never set a boundary before. It was
the first step loving myself. It was the beginning of my own healing and recovery. And it was the turning point of our relationship.

It took

everything

in me

to surrender

my feelings to God's ways.

I heard a voice--

calm but persistent,

Purposeful, but not vindictive.

It didn't stop until the truth prevailed,

And I felt peaceful.

Once again, through the pain,

God helped me find

My Voice.

PAH: Many wives feel they need to forgive their husbands but feel a great deal of shame, sorrow and anger and find it difficult to do so.
What would you say to them?

Molly Ann Miller: When Jesus died He didn’t minimize how repulsive our sins were. He accepted us even while we were sinners, gave
up His rights, and took our place on the cross. The same way He forgave us, we are to forgive others. This was very hard for me. How
could I forgive him when it still hurt so much? I thought forgiving him meant I would give up the only power I had. So I shamed him,
listed his betrayals, and essentially punished him. And then I became the one destroying our relationship. I was still allowing him to
control me! Once I was willing to forgive, I was free. He had no more power over me! I could choose my actions instead of react to the
pain.

I thought forgiving was for him, but I was the one who benefited. I had no idea what sharing the fellowship of Christ’s sufferings meant
until I experienced it. When we deny our rights and suffer unjustly there is a miraculous intimacy with God where I felt so understood.

Forgiveness isn’t at all what I thought it was. The other person may or may not respond, but now I do it for me.

PAH: Christians fear the judgement and betrayal that you experienced with Pastor Sam. How can they move past their fear to reach
out for help in their church?

Molly Ann Miller: Getting our sins into the light is what breaks their power and allows healing. However, not all churches are safe places
to confess our secrets. Emotionally safe churches will have pastors who are open about their own brokenness. Legalistic churches can
be shaming or judgmental, which actually feeds the addiction cycle. Addicts are already too hard on themselves. A church where
people feel acceptable and valued because of God’s grace is a healthy place.

PAH: Both you and your husband are strong advocates of Twelve Step programs. In your opinion, what benefits do they provide that
other counseling alternatives - pastoral counsel, individual therapy, couples counseling, church support groups - do not offer?

Molly Ann Miller: Addiction is multi faceted and needs to be addressed on many levels: All of these resources have benefited us. I would
not choose one in place of another. I would encourage every resource to be employed. Our lives depend on our recovery! 12 Step
groups are unique because they are peer led—there is no leader. Each person is responsible for their own recovery. You grow for
yourself, not for a pastor or counselor or your spouse. This is a key difference. Addicts and their spouses are very co dependent
people, so our tendency is to please others instead of ourselves. This is our goal: to recover ourselves.

PAH: What was the greatest lesson you learned about yourself as you began to heal your wounds?

Molly Ann Miller: Before recovery I was so controlling! I got my self worth from “helping” others, giving them advice and rescuing them.
It’s actually been painful at times to keep my mouth shut and trust God that others can think for themselves and solve their own
problems. I can pray, love them, affirm my faith that God is leading them, but if I live their life, I’m not living mine.

PAH: How has life been for you and your husband since the publication of My Husband Has A Secret four years ago?

Molly Ann Miller: We celebrated our 36th anniversary and are finally growing up emotionally! Timothy is sexually sober and I‘m actually
beginning to trust him sometimes. He found a healthy hobby. We are slowly improving financially and try not to live on the edge. We
continue to participate in our 12 Step groups and get counseling. We laugh more. We’re serving. We took dance lessons. We’re softer,
more gracious to others, to each other, and to ourselves.

Featured Expert - Molly Ann Miller

Molly Ann Miller is the author of My Husband Has A Secret: Finding Healing For The Betrayal
Of Sexual Addiction. Pornography and sexual addiction have become epidemics in society
today, and Christians are not exempt from their traps. Recovering from the pain and loneliness
that comes with the betrayal of sexual addiction is not an easy task, but there is hope. In My
Husband Has a Secret, Molly Ann Miller shares her personal struggle with her husband’s sexual
betrayal and offers compassion, comfort, and encouragement for women in similar situations.
She stresses that the battle should not be for one’s marriage, but for one’s heart, and the only
control women have is to take responsibility for themselves. Molly doesn’t offer easy answers.
She doesn’t even claim to be past the struggle herself. Instead she points the way to a loving
Savior who offers hope and healing to everyone involved, and who is willing to lead wives on
the difficult journey to wholeness and peace. More on Molly Ann Miller and her book My
Husband Has A Secret can be found at www.MollyAnnMiller.com.