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| Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts |
Copyright 2007-2009. Porn Addict Hubby. All rights reserved.
This site is for informational purposes and is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.
Emotions
Everyone will experience emotions differently. And yours are most definitely in a
jumble. This is not a comprehensive list but rather a starting point for you to begin
sorting out how you are feeling. It is important for you to feel compassion towards
yourself. Your reactions to his online infidelity are normal. It is very helpful and
recommended during this stage to speak with a professional counselor or pastor to
identify and process how you are feeling.
You need to acknowledge your emotions; do not try to ignore them or suppress them.
Feeling them in the fullest is part of the healing process.
When you discovered your husband or boyfriend’s addiction to porn, you may have felt
emotionally abandoned or replaced by online images. How can you not feel personally
rejected when he has chosen to invest sexual energy towards other women, either
real or fantasy, online? There is a good chance your self-esteem will take a nosedive
before things turn around for you.
You may be surprised how much anger you will be able to muster up. Anger is one
emotion that is expected during this healing process; it is also one of the most
destructive. It will be important for you to keep it under control.
Betrayal is a natural emotion to feel after discovering porn addiction. How will you be
able to ever trust him again?
Denial is a very normal first reaction although not everyone experiences this. To the
outside world, your husband or boyfriend seems to be a great catch: industrious, good
looking, confident, loving, a great father (or father potential). No matter how
compelling the evidence may be, many women have a difficult time at first believing
that porn addiction is in their home. Get honest, be real and accept the new reality of
your relationship.
You have a lot of time and energy invested in your relationship. Disappointment is a
common emotion to feel during all of this.
Porn addiction crumbles the foundation of your day-to-day life and adds an element of
fear. It makes you question your security in the relationship and strips away your
peace of mind. How will you move on without him? If you have children together, how
will you explain it to your children? What will your future look like? Will you make the
right decisions in the upcoming days and months?
It is common to feel guilt after discovering your partner has swayed to viewing others
instead of choosing intimacy with you. Hindsight is 20/20. There are always things that
you could have done better. But believe this, there is nothing that you did, or didn’t
do, that drew your husband or boyfriend to Internet porn.
You will need to grieve. You will pine for the life you thought you had together. The
simple, easy, carefree times. The trust and exclusive companionship you thought you
had. Give yourself time to accept the dramatic changes in your world. You may find
that you are sad. Sadness for the life you had, sadness over losing the familiar. Fear of
change. Anxiety.
You may feel resentment. You are a good person and put a lot into the relationship.
How could he repay you in this manner? You can let go of your resentment by
recognizing the porn problem in your home and your part in it. Your significant other
may have made poor decisions by turning to porn, but he doesn't live in a vacuum.
What has happened between the two of you that caused a gap in communication and
intimacy? Only you can decide how you will react to his online infidelity and create a
healing plan for the two of you.
Time does heal. It gives you clarity and greater perspective. Your husband or boyfriend’
s porn addiction wasn’t created overnight and it won’t go away overnight either.
Likewise, your healing will take time. How much time? Experts say 6-12 months is
common.
Everyone will experience emotions differently. And yours are most definitely in a
jumble. This is not a comprehensive list but rather a starting point for you to begin
sorting out how you are feeling. It is important for you to feel compassion towards
yourself. Your reactions to his online infidelity are normal. It is very helpful and
recommended during this stage to speak with a professional counselor or pastor to
identify and process how you are feeling.
You need to acknowledge your emotions; do not try to ignore them or suppress them.
Feeling them in the fullest is part of the healing process.
When you discovered your husband or boyfriend’s addiction to porn, you may have felt
emotionally abandoned or replaced by online images. How can you not feel personally
rejected when he has chosen to invest sexual energy towards other women, either
real or fantasy, online? There is a good chance your self-esteem will take a nosedive
before things turn around for you.
You may be surprised how much anger you will be able to muster up. Anger is one
emotion that is expected during this healing process; it is also one of the most
destructive. It will be important for you to keep it under control.
Betrayal is a natural emotion to feel after discovering porn addiction. How will you be
able to ever trust him again?
Denial is a very normal first reaction although not everyone experiences this. To the
outside world, your husband or boyfriend seems to be a great catch: industrious, good
looking, confident, loving, a great father (or father potential). No matter how
compelling the evidence may be, many women have a difficult time at first believing
that porn addiction is in their home. Get honest, be real and accept the new reality of
your relationship.
You have a lot of time and energy invested in your relationship. Disappointment is a
common emotion to feel during all of this.
Porn addiction crumbles the foundation of your day-to-day life and adds an element of
fear. It makes you question your security in the relationship and strips away your
peace of mind. How will you move on without him? If you have children together, how
will you explain it to your children? What will your future look like? Will you make the
right decisions in the upcoming days and months?
It is common to feel guilt after discovering your partner has swayed to viewing others
instead of choosing intimacy with you. Hindsight is 20/20. There are always things that
you could have done better. But believe this, there is nothing that you did, or didn’t
do, that drew your husband or boyfriend to Internet porn.
You will need to grieve. You will pine for the life you thought you had together. The
simple, easy, carefree times. The trust and exclusive companionship you thought you
had. Give yourself time to accept the dramatic changes in your world. You may find
that you are sad. Sadness for the life you had, sadness over losing the familiar. Fear of
change. Anxiety.
You may feel resentment. You are a good person and put a lot into the relationship.
How could he repay you in this manner? You can let go of your resentment by
recognizing the porn problem in your home and your part in it. Your significant other
may have made poor decisions by turning to porn, but he doesn't live in a vacuum.
What has happened between the two of you that caused a gap in communication and
intimacy? Only you can decide how you will react to his online infidelity and create a
healing plan for the two of you.
Time does heal. It gives you clarity and greater perspective. Your husband or boyfriend’
s porn addiction wasn’t created overnight and it won’t go away overnight either.
Likewise, your healing will take time. How much time? Experts say 6-12 months is
common.
Forgiveness
A common question is 'How will I ever be able to trust him again'? You will have trust in certain areas. You may trust that he will pay the
mortgage every month on time. You may trust that he will remember your birthday. You may never trust him again in front of a computer.
And that is OK.
It is common for many women get stuck at this stage of healing and never forgive their husband or boyfriend. In order for you to move past
the above listed emotions, you must recognize and own how you are feeling, process your emotions and then forgive your husband or
boyfriend for their indiscretions. This is a lot harder than it sounds. When you forgive, it doesn't mean that you will forget what has
happened. What's that saying? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. There are big differences between forgiveness
and trust. Forgiveness is given. Trust is earned.
Are you obligated to forgive him for his online indiscretions? No way. But consider this. Forgiveness is beneficial not just for your husband or
boyfriend. It is beneficial for you. When you forgive, you release the weight of these overwhelming emotions that can warp the way you see
the world and how you operate in it. Identify each wound and feel the pain, and then make the conscious choice to forgive each one.
Hopefully, you will begin to feel compassion for yourself and understanding and empathy for your husband or boyfriend. Forgiveness is not
a one time event. You may have many small moments in which you will have to close your eyes and choose to forgive again.
The Internet can be a powerful and positive force. (It brought you to this site for answers, didn’t it?) It can also be a very destructive and
dark force. You haven't gotten too many choices up until now. You didn't choose to get involved in all of this mess. You didn't choose the
painful situation you are in. But you get a choice in healing. You can choose to forgive. Choosing to offer forgiveness is a BIG deal. Don't be
glib about it and don't rush into it. Give yourself as much time as you need. Again, PAH highly recommends you contact a professional
counselor or minister/pastor/bishop/rabbi to help you get through this.
Not every relationship will make it through the challenge of porn addiction. If your relationship was for the most part strong and healthy, it
is possible to move past it. If your relationship was rocky to begin with, porn addiction could just be the icing on the cake.
The hidden blessing is couples that have weathered through porn addiction are closer and stronger for having made the journey. Typically
difficult topics like finances or family dynamics seem simple in comparison. Will you ever be able to trust him again? It depends. If your
husband or boyfriend is committed to idea of rebuilding your trust and is willing to make changes over a significant period of time to earn it,
it can be done. What length of time are we talking about? Roughly one year...or more.
A common question is 'How will I ever be able to trust him again'? You will have trust in certain areas. You may trust that he will pay the
mortgage every month on time. You may trust that he will remember your birthday. You may never trust him again in front of a computer.
And that is OK.
It is common for many women get stuck at this stage of healing and never forgive their husband or boyfriend. In order for you to move past
the above listed emotions, you must recognize and own how you are feeling, process your emotions and then forgive your husband or
boyfriend for their indiscretions. This is a lot harder than it sounds. When you forgive, it doesn't mean that you will forget what has
happened. What's that saying? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. There are big differences between forgiveness
and trust. Forgiveness is given. Trust is earned.
Are you obligated to forgive him for his online indiscretions? No way. But consider this. Forgiveness is beneficial not just for your husband or
boyfriend. It is beneficial for you. When you forgive, you release the weight of these overwhelming emotions that can warp the way you see
the world and how you operate in it. Identify each wound and feel the pain, and then make the conscious choice to forgive each one.
Hopefully, you will begin to feel compassion for yourself and understanding and empathy for your husband or boyfriend. Forgiveness is not
a one time event. You may have many small moments in which you will have to close your eyes and choose to forgive again.
The Internet can be a powerful and positive force. (It brought you to this site for answers, didn’t it?) It can also be a very destructive and
dark force. You haven't gotten too many choices up until now. You didn't choose to get involved in all of this mess. You didn't choose the
painful situation you are in. But you get a choice in healing. You can choose to forgive. Choosing to offer forgiveness is a BIG deal. Don't be
glib about it and don't rush into it. Give yourself as much time as you need. Again, PAH highly recommends you contact a professional
counselor or minister/pastor/bishop/rabbi to help you get through this.
Not every relationship will make it through the challenge of porn addiction. If your relationship was for the most part strong and healthy, it
is possible to move past it. If your relationship was rocky to begin with, porn addiction could just be the icing on the cake.
The hidden blessing is couples that have weathered through porn addiction are closer and stronger for having made the journey. Typically
difficult topics like finances or family dynamics seem simple in comparison. Will you ever be able to trust him again? It depends. If your
husband or boyfriend is committed to idea of rebuilding your trust and is willing to make changes over a significant period of time to earn it,
it can be done. What length of time are we talking about? Roughly one year...or more.
