Ask The Expert! Every month in 2008, we will feature an interview with an expert on pornography addiction and its impact on the wife or girlfriend. Bookmark this site to check out our future interview schedule and to submit questions to the featured expert. |
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| Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts |
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March's Featured Expert - Jason McClain
Jason McClain is a therapist, personal development writer and ex-addict based in London.
With professional training in counselling and clinical hypnotherapy, Jason has developed a
practical and down-to-earth approach to the problem of pornography addiction. His Porn
Game Over recovery plan takes a positive, change-focused approach to this emotive subject,
cutting through the stigma and misconceptions that surround it.
Jason McClain is a therapist, personal development writer and ex-addict based in London.
With professional training in counselling and clinical hypnotherapy, Jason has developed a
practical and down-to-earth approach to the problem of pornography addiction. His Porn
Game Over recovery plan takes a positive, change-focused approach to this emotive subject,
cutting through the stigma and misconceptions that surround it.
PAH: Tell us about your background and why you wrote Porn Game Over.
Jason McClain: I'm a trained counsellor and addiction therapist, but I've also had direct experience of the porn addiction problem. During some awkward
relationship and career problems, I discovered just how distracting and consuming internet pornography can become.
Now I can appreciate just how easy it is to fall into this hole, but at the time it was a confusing, horrible mess. Years after the experience, I've been
counselling and working with people struggling with their own porn habits, and have gained a much wider perspective. Writing Porn Game Over has been an
opportunity to clear up some of the misconceptions and fears that surround the whole topic.
I wanted to use my recovery experience to produce a practical guide that anyone can turn to, whether they are concerned about their own habit or the
behaviour of a loved one.
PAH: In the book you call yourself an ex-addict. Why is this of benefit to the reader?
Jason McClain: Well, porn addiction is an extremely sensitive, personal issue, and I think my own experience really helps me to empathise with the reader.
I didn't want my message to be clinically detached or wrapped up in psychology jargon.
I also use the term 'ex-addict' because that's exactly my experience after overcoming my own addiction. It's a positive stance - I've realised that we don't
need to carry the 'addict' or 'addict in recovery' labels around long after quitting the habit. I believe in genuinely moving on in life, and we all have the
capability for this.
PAH: What makes your recovery plan unique?
Jason McClain: It's a very flexible approach to recovery. I offer a menu of self-help actions, ranging from practical, do-it-today changes to exercises for
adjusting behaviour in the long term. Many readers have appreciated my book's positivity too; addicts can easily lose sight of opportunities to help
themselves, and feelings of hopelessness and despair set in.
Based on real-world experience, my book reiterates that lasting recovery really is achievable, no matter how long you may have struggled with porn
addiction, or how many times you have already attempted to quit. Like any recovery plan, this guide requires your full motivation, but it employs a
positive, future-embracing tone to help build your commitment to change. People recover faster in bright environments.
PAH: What are the biggest obstacles addicts or their partners face in reaching out for help?
Jason McClain: The social stigma surrounding porn addiction presents some major obstacles. Spending a lot of time on your own, masturbating in front of the
computer, isn't cool. Despite the continually-expanding spread of the adult entertainment industry, enthusiastically consuming porn is always something
that 'other people do'. So there are often intense feelings of embarrassment, shame, guilt and confusion, which are temporarily numbed by looking at more
porn.
Reaching out to others can really benefit recovery, but addicts and their partners find themselves in a lonely place. As part of his secret, habitual routine,
the addict deliberately detaches himself from other people. Addicts begin to live by a twisted, defensive logic that says friends, family and partners can
only get in the way of the habit, or expose them. It takes a strong shift in outlook before reconnecting with others becomes viable.
After the discovery of a loved one's addiction to porn, partners often feel extremely insecure and alone. They might discover a porn stash on the family
computer, or accidentally interrupt their husband during a porn session. This is a bombshell, as intimacy and confidence in their relationship suddenly
crumbles. For the reasons mentioned above, this isn't a situation where partners can call upon the usual support network of friends and family, so partners
are left facing this horrible problem very much alone.
PAH: What are the biggest challenges addicts face in actually achieving lasting recovery?
Jason McClain: The greatest challenge is truly accepting change into their lives. It's easy to underestimate the significance of porn in the addicts' daily
routines, and the fact that even though they may have grown to detest their addiction, the habit remains because it actually serves some positive intent.
There is a wide range of possible causes of compulsive behaviour: escapism, distraction, profound boredom, craving for routine, the numbing of loneliness or
some other personal pain. Very often, the underlying cause is unrelated to sex.
So quitting the habit takes considerable determination and effort on the addict's part. They must rediscover options, experiment and find ways of replacing
the old routines in more life-enhancing ways. Recovery is a step-by-step process, all the time learning to embrace change. Without this process, addicts can
be compared to those long-serving prisoners who eventually get parole. After the routine of dreary prison life, some prisoners are unprepared for the
realities of freedom and soon find themselves committing crimes to get back into jail again.
Successful and lasting recovery is also a process of learning to work through the habit, and not suppressing feelings or urges. Through the media,
advertisements and internet, sexual imagery really does surround us, and recovering addicts must work through a precarious 'hair-trigger' phase of managing
relapses into habit. Learning to reverse old instincts and deal with relapse is another considerable challenge. It's about learning to live alongside porn and
sexual imagery in the long-term.
PAH: What are the biggest challenges partners face in supporting the recovery process?
Jason McClain: My book provides guidance for partners, with regard to supporting their loves ones' recovery and embarking on their own recovery process.
Though indirectly, porn addiction has impacted their lifestyle and routines too, and rebuilding the relationship can be a daunting prospect. I support
partners in overcoming the natural reactions of shock, disgust and outrage. Sadly, partners can often turn these feelings in on themselves, and begin to
question their own attractiveness and sexual appeal. They wonder whether they caused the problem, and an essential first stage of their recovery is turning
these feelings around. Partners do not drive their partners to porn.
Supporting partners find themselves walking the thin line between patiently supporting their partner, and maintaining a sufficient reminder that their
partner needs to change or risk losing the relationship. It can feel like a 'good cop/bad cop' balance at times, especially when the addicted partner reacts
with defensiveness or victim tactics. Unfortunately, such games can be common during the recovery process.
So it can feel like a very lonely and frustrating process for partners. Even though I discuss the many underlying causes of porn addiction, I always make it
clear that these are not excuses for the addict to cling onto. He had to take responsibility and there is a lot of work for him to do. The good news is that
with support resources like this excellent site and my own work, partners really can make a strong contribution to the recovery process, and the eventual
healing of their relationships.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Porn Game Over is an interesting book for a number of reasons. Because it is written by an ex-addict,
Porn Game Over reads as very credible for the man struggling with porn and eye-opening to their partner
trying to understand the affliction. It allows you to see that a porn addict isn't inherently a pervert
or a bad person. Rather an addict is someone overusing porn to escape from everyday stresses: jobs,
relationships, finances, boredom. Porn Game Over is written with a positive, engaging and non-secular
viewpoint. Most importantly it gives manageable steps and clear direction how to begin the path
to recovery. Many of the steps in Porn Game Over are echoed in the PAH site: filters or accountability
software, boundary setting, open communication and most importantly love, empathy and continued
support during the recovery process. Will your addict be responsive to these steps when guided by
an ex-addict? PAH predicts they will.
PAH highly recommends the Porn Game Over recovery guide.
It is available via download for US $14.99 at porngameover.com.
Jason McClain: I'm a trained counsellor and addiction therapist, but I've also had direct experience of the porn addiction problem. During some awkward
relationship and career problems, I discovered just how distracting and consuming internet pornography can become.
Now I can appreciate just how easy it is to fall into this hole, but at the time it was a confusing, horrible mess. Years after the experience, I've been
counselling and working with people struggling with their own porn habits, and have gained a much wider perspective. Writing Porn Game Over has been an
opportunity to clear up some of the misconceptions and fears that surround the whole topic.
I wanted to use my recovery experience to produce a practical guide that anyone can turn to, whether they are concerned about their own habit or the
behaviour of a loved one.
PAH: In the book you call yourself an ex-addict. Why is this of benefit to the reader?
Jason McClain: Well, porn addiction is an extremely sensitive, personal issue, and I think my own experience really helps me to empathise with the reader.
I didn't want my message to be clinically detached or wrapped up in psychology jargon.
I also use the term 'ex-addict' because that's exactly my experience after overcoming my own addiction. It's a positive stance - I've realised that we don't
need to carry the 'addict' or 'addict in recovery' labels around long after quitting the habit. I believe in genuinely moving on in life, and we all have the
capability for this.
PAH: What makes your recovery plan unique?
Jason McClain: It's a very flexible approach to recovery. I offer a menu of self-help actions, ranging from practical, do-it-today changes to exercises for
adjusting behaviour in the long term. Many readers have appreciated my book's positivity too; addicts can easily lose sight of opportunities to help
themselves, and feelings of hopelessness and despair set in.
Based on real-world experience, my book reiterates that lasting recovery really is achievable, no matter how long you may have struggled with porn
addiction, or how many times you have already attempted to quit. Like any recovery plan, this guide requires your full motivation, but it employs a
positive, future-embracing tone to help build your commitment to change. People recover faster in bright environments.
PAH: What are the biggest obstacles addicts or their partners face in reaching out for help?
Jason McClain: The social stigma surrounding porn addiction presents some major obstacles. Spending a lot of time on your own, masturbating in front of the
computer, isn't cool. Despite the continually-expanding spread of the adult entertainment industry, enthusiastically consuming porn is always something
that 'other people do'. So there are often intense feelings of embarrassment, shame, guilt and confusion, which are temporarily numbed by looking at more
porn.
Reaching out to others can really benefit recovery, but addicts and their partners find themselves in a lonely place. As part of his secret, habitual routine,
the addict deliberately detaches himself from other people. Addicts begin to live by a twisted, defensive logic that says friends, family and partners can
only get in the way of the habit, or expose them. It takes a strong shift in outlook before reconnecting with others becomes viable.
After the discovery of a loved one's addiction to porn, partners often feel extremely insecure and alone. They might discover a porn stash on the family
computer, or accidentally interrupt their husband during a porn session. This is a bombshell, as intimacy and confidence in their relationship suddenly
crumbles. For the reasons mentioned above, this isn't a situation where partners can call upon the usual support network of friends and family, so partners
are left facing this horrible problem very much alone.
PAH: What are the biggest challenges addicts face in actually achieving lasting recovery?
Jason McClain: The greatest challenge is truly accepting change into their lives. It's easy to underestimate the significance of porn in the addicts' daily
routines, and the fact that even though they may have grown to detest their addiction, the habit remains because it actually serves some positive intent.
There is a wide range of possible causes of compulsive behaviour: escapism, distraction, profound boredom, craving for routine, the numbing of loneliness or
some other personal pain. Very often, the underlying cause is unrelated to sex.
So quitting the habit takes considerable determination and effort on the addict's part. They must rediscover options, experiment and find ways of replacing
the old routines in more life-enhancing ways. Recovery is a step-by-step process, all the time learning to embrace change. Without this process, addicts can
be compared to those long-serving prisoners who eventually get parole. After the routine of dreary prison life, some prisoners are unprepared for the
realities of freedom and soon find themselves committing crimes to get back into jail again.
Successful and lasting recovery is also a process of learning to work through the habit, and not suppressing feelings or urges. Through the media,
advertisements and internet, sexual imagery really does surround us, and recovering addicts must work through a precarious 'hair-trigger' phase of managing
relapses into habit. Learning to reverse old instincts and deal with relapse is another considerable challenge. It's about learning to live alongside porn and
sexual imagery in the long-term.
PAH: What are the biggest challenges partners face in supporting the recovery process?
Jason McClain: My book provides guidance for partners, with regard to supporting their loves ones' recovery and embarking on their own recovery process.
Though indirectly, porn addiction has impacted their lifestyle and routines too, and rebuilding the relationship can be a daunting prospect. I support
partners in overcoming the natural reactions of shock, disgust and outrage. Sadly, partners can often turn these feelings in on themselves, and begin to
question their own attractiveness and sexual appeal. They wonder whether they caused the problem, and an essential first stage of their recovery is turning
these feelings around. Partners do not drive their partners to porn.
Supporting partners find themselves walking the thin line between patiently supporting their partner, and maintaining a sufficient reminder that their
partner needs to change or risk losing the relationship. It can feel like a 'good cop/bad cop' balance at times, especially when the addicted partner reacts
with defensiveness or victim tactics. Unfortunately, such games can be common during the recovery process.
So it can feel like a very lonely and frustrating process for partners. Even though I discuss the many underlying causes of porn addiction, I always make it
clear that these are not excuses for the addict to cling onto. He had to take responsibility and there is a lot of work for him to do. The good news is that
with support resources like this excellent site and my own work, partners really can make a strong contribution to the recovery process, and the eventual
healing of their relationships.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Porn Game Over is an interesting book for a number of reasons. Because it is written by an ex-addict,
Porn Game Over reads as very credible for the man struggling with porn and eye-opening to their partner
trying to understand the affliction. It allows you to see that a porn addict isn't inherently a pervert
or a bad person. Rather an addict is someone overusing porn to escape from everyday stresses: jobs,
relationships, finances, boredom. Porn Game Over is written with a positive, engaging and non-secular
viewpoint. Most importantly it gives manageable steps and clear direction how to begin the path
to recovery. Many of the steps in Porn Game Over are echoed in the PAH site: filters or accountability
software, boundary setting, open communication and most importantly love, empathy and continued
support during the recovery process. Will your addict be responsive to these steps when guided by
an ex-addict? PAH predicts they will.
PAH highly recommends the Porn Game Over recovery guide.
It is available via download for US $14.99 at porngameover.com.
April's Featured Ask The Expert
Shellie Warren is the Outreach Director for XXXChurch.com - "The #1
Christian Porn Site". XXXChurch's mission is to make you think, react,
and to decide where you stand on the issues of porn. They're not
here to sling mud, but to shove the envelope and try and do some
good. Their site is www.xxxchurch.com. Would you like to ask
Shellie a question?
Shellie Warren is the Outreach Director for XXXChurch.com - "The #1
Christian Porn Site". XXXChurch's mission is to make you think, react,
and to decide where you stand on the issues of porn. They're not
here to sling mud, but to shove the envelope and try and do some
good. Their site is www.xxxchurch.com. Would you like to ask
Shellie a question?