If your husband or partner has a problem with pornography, it is easy to look in the mirror and start picking yourself apart. You
know that this is his problem and only he can be accountable for his actions but you beat yourself up anyway for having 'failed'.
You may not be as youthful, fit, toned as you would like. Life's hectic pace may have put physical love on a back burner. You
know that sexual images are everywhere and men are more visually-oriented than women. Nobody is perfect but if you had your
life more together, you wonder if he would have become addicted. You may at some point or another feel embarrassment, guilt,
humiliation and shame. Many of these emotions are used interchangeably but there are big differences. Take a closer look at
guilt and shame.
Guilt can be a very constructive emotion. When you feel guilt, you recognize that something you did was wrong and you may
have caused someone else harm. Guilt is feeling sorry for your behavior and then taking positive, corrective action. Shame on
the other hand can be one of the most destructive emotions we as humans can experience. Shame is about feeling like an
outsider: self-loathing, fear of exposure and ridicule, rejection. It's intensely painful, and makes you feel like you're flawed and
unworthy of acceptance. Shame is what fuels a porn addict to act out again and again. Shame is what traps a porn addict's wife or
partner.
alienated inadequate helpless powerless defenseless weak insecure uncertain shy
ineffectual inferior flawed exposed unworthy hurt intimidated defeated rejected
dumped rebuffed stupid bizarre odd peculiar different
Why is it that women are hesitant to seek help and find support for their pain? They want to protect where they are and what
they have. What are they protecting? Their families, their reputation and their sanity.
Family
This isn't rocket science here. Word travels quickly and sexual addiction isn't as socially accepted as drug or alcohol addiction.
How much teasing will Michael get on his little league team if the kids find out his Dad is a 'pervert'? How many slumber parties
will Emma have if it is known her Father is a porn addict? It is this type of downwind impact that makes a mother grit her teeth
with anger. Mothers generally have the most responsibility for the kids' happiness and safety. Fathers are supposed to be able to
provide a sense of security. There are more innocent lives than just yours affected by his selfish online activities.
know that this is his problem and only he can be accountable for his actions but you beat yourself up anyway for having 'failed'.
You may not be as youthful, fit, toned as you would like. Life's hectic pace may have put physical love on a back burner. You
know that sexual images are everywhere and men are more visually-oriented than women. Nobody is perfect but if you had your
life more together, you wonder if he would have become addicted. You may at some point or another feel embarrassment, guilt,
humiliation and shame. Many of these emotions are used interchangeably but there are big differences. Take a closer look at
guilt and shame.
- When you know you have done something wrong you feel guilty. Shame makes you feel there is something wrong with you.
When you have made a mistake you feel guilty. Shame makes you feel as if you are a mistake.
When you know what you did wasn't good you feel guilty. Shame makes you feel as if you aren't good.
Guilt can be a very constructive emotion. When you feel guilt, you recognize that something you did was wrong and you may
have caused someone else harm. Guilt is feeling sorry for your behavior and then taking positive, corrective action. Shame on
the other hand can be one of the most destructive emotions we as humans can experience. Shame is about feeling like an
outsider: self-loathing, fear of exposure and ridicule, rejection. It's intensely painful, and makes you feel like you're flawed and
unworthy of acceptance. Shame is what fuels a porn addict to act out again and again. Shame is what traps a porn addict's wife or
partner.
alienated inadequate helpless powerless defenseless weak insecure uncertain shy
ineffectual inferior flawed exposed unworthy hurt intimidated defeated rejected
dumped rebuffed stupid bizarre odd peculiar different
Why is it that women are hesitant to seek help and find support for their pain? They want to protect where they are and what
they have. What are they protecting? Their families, their reputation and their sanity.
Family
This isn't rocket science here. Word travels quickly and sexual addiction isn't as socially accepted as drug or alcohol addiction.
How much teasing will Michael get on his little league team if the kids find out his Dad is a 'pervert'? How many slumber parties
will Emma have if it is known her Father is a porn addict? It is this type of downwind impact that makes a mother grit her teeth
with anger. Mothers generally have the most responsibility for the kids' happiness and safety. Fathers are supposed to be able to
provide a sense of security. There are more innocent lives than just yours affected by his selfish online activities.
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Copyright 2007-2012. Porn Addict Hubby. All rights reserved.
| Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts |
This site is for informational purposes and is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.
Porn Wife Shame |
How does shame manifest itself in a porn addict?
There is a wide range of possibilities however some of the following actions may be
familiar to you. Your husband or partner may hide their eyes, avoid eye contact,
lower their gaze, blush, bite their lips, present a forced smile or fidget. They may
respond to you with annoyance, defensiveness, minimize/exaggeration or denial.
Because the affect of shame often interferes with the ability to think, he may
experience confusion, being at a loss for words, or a completely blank mind.
How does shame manifest itself in a porn addict's wife or partner?
When you feel shame you believe a part of who you are is intrinsically bad. Your
self-esteem plummets. You end up feeling sorry for who you are. There can be
episodes of intense pain and humiliation. A shameful wife may not feel as though
there is anything concrete that she can do to relieve her pain. She may engage in
unproductive coping mechanisms (overeating, undereating, smoking, drinking, drug
use) which can increase her level and intensity of shame. It can heighten the sense
that you aren't good enough and not worthy to seek outside help. If you feel
ashamed, you're more likely to continue the behaviors that cause shame and enter
a negative downward spiral. Shame is often a central ingredient in experiences of
feeling:
There is a wide range of possibilities however some of the following actions may be
familiar to you. Your husband or partner may hide their eyes, avoid eye contact,
lower their gaze, blush, bite their lips, present a forced smile or fidget. They may
respond to you with annoyance, defensiveness, minimize/exaggeration or denial.
Because the affect of shame often interferes with the ability to think, he may
experience confusion, being at a loss for words, or a completely blank mind.
How does shame manifest itself in a porn addict's wife or partner?
When you feel shame you believe a part of who you are is intrinsically bad. Your
self-esteem plummets. You end up feeling sorry for who you are. There can be
episodes of intense pain and humiliation. A shameful wife may not feel as though
there is anything concrete that she can do to relieve her pain. She may engage in
unproductive coping mechanisms (overeating, undereating, smoking, drinking, drug
use) which can increase her level and intensity of shame. It can heighten the sense
that you aren't good enough and not worthy to seek outside help. If you feel
ashamed, you're more likely to continue the behaviors that cause shame and enter
a negative downward spiral. Shame is often a central ingredient in experiences of
feeling:
Reputation
Porn addiction can brand you. How many families move to a new city to
escape the scandal of a publicized problem with porn? If it involves
someone close to you (a neighbor or a co-worker) or involves something
illegal (child porn or prostitutes), it is often too much for a family to
manage if others are aware of the struggles.
Sanity
You are more than your husband's problem with porn. If you choose to
confide in a close friend or family member, they can hang on the topic
longer than you wish to in conversation or bring it up more often than
you would like. Well meant advice can also add to your pain. 'Try
wearing new/naughty lingerie to bed' or 'Boys will be boys' isn't very
helpful when you are in the midst of grieving for the loss of the
relationship you thought you had.
Porn addiction can brand you. How many families move to a new city to
escape the scandal of a publicized problem with porn? If it involves
someone close to you (a neighbor or a co-worker) or involves something
illegal (child porn or prostitutes), it is often too much for a family to
manage if others are aware of the struggles.
Sanity
You are more than your husband's problem with porn. If you choose to
confide in a close friend or family member, they can hang on the topic
longer than you wish to in conversation or bring it up more often than
you would like. Well meant advice can also add to your pain. 'Try
wearing new/naughty lingerie to bed' or 'Boys will be boys' isn't very
helpful when you are in the midst of grieving for the loss of the
relationship you thought you had.