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Copyright 2007-2012. Porn Addict Hubby. All rights reserved.
| Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts |
| This site is for informational purposes and is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling. |
So it is time to get technical. So far, this article has only mentioned the word 'relapse'. This is because it is a term that is used
frequently when discussing this topic. Another term is a 'slip up'. A slip up is an isolated occurrence, a relapse is longer in
duration - a day, two days, a week, a month.
Everyone will have their own ideas and opinions about the topics of slip ups vs. relapses however, It is PAH's opinion that slip
ups from time to time are normal, natural and are to be expected. Slip ups are when the kernels of truth - the AHA moments -
come forward to be claimed. It is where true understanding and healing can happen. Let's check out some examples.
Say your husband comes from a family with not so healthy dynamics. When he finishes a phone call with his mother, he feels
stressed and anxious. He also feels the urge to surf for porn. Porn use could be his anti-anxiety medication of choice since he
was teenager. Making that connection through a slip up and finding a better way to process his emotions through healthy outlets
(using you or a sibling as a sounding board, getting some sort of physical exercise right after hanging up) could be the
breakthrough he needs to put porn behind him.
A few general slip up guidelines to consider:
* Incidents of porn use should be fewer and farther apart as he
progresses on his journey. One definition of insanity is doing the same
thing over and over and expecting a different result. If he keeps slipping
up and progress isn't being made, then he needs to try something
different. A men's purity group, a counselor. You won't reach your
goal as a healthy family if his efforts are not resulting in a pattern of
successful choices and progress.
* There shouldn't be any pattern to the slip ups. If there are multiple
slips Tuesday after work at 5:30 when his co-workers head to a strip
club to 'burn off a little steam', this is a known quantity he can make
alternative plans around and not just go with the flow.
* He should be making continual progress towards health. The following
record does not indicate a pattern of effort no matter how he spins it:
October 27: Downloaded 28 movie clips from HornyCollegeGirls.com
November 2: Browsed Craiglist personal ads
November 15: Created an account on AdultFriendFinder.com 'just out
of curiosity'
November 30: Met an 'online friend' for lunch
frequently when discussing this topic. Another term is a 'slip up'. A slip up is an isolated occurrence, a relapse is longer in
duration - a day, two days, a week, a month.
Everyone will have their own ideas and opinions about the topics of slip ups vs. relapses however, It is PAH's opinion that slip
ups from time to time are normal, natural and are to be expected. Slip ups are when the kernels of truth - the AHA moments -
come forward to be claimed. It is where true understanding and healing can happen. Let's check out some examples.
Say your husband comes from a family with not so healthy dynamics. When he finishes a phone call with his mother, he feels
stressed and anxious. He also feels the urge to surf for porn. Porn use could be his anti-anxiety medication of choice since he
was teenager. Making that connection through a slip up and finding a better way to process his emotions through healthy outlets
(using you or a sibling as a sounding board, getting some sort of physical exercise right after hanging up) could be the
breakthrough he needs to put porn behind him.
A few general slip up guidelines to consider:
* Incidents of porn use should be fewer and farther apart as he
progresses on his journey. One definition of insanity is doing the same
thing over and over and expecting a different result. If he keeps slipping
up and progress isn't being made, then he needs to try something
different. A men's purity group, a counselor. You won't reach your
goal as a healthy family if his efforts are not resulting in a pattern of
successful choices and progress.
* There shouldn't be any pattern to the slip ups. If there are multiple
slips Tuesday after work at 5:30 when his co-workers head to a strip
club to 'burn off a little steam', this is a known quantity he can make
alternative plans around and not just go with the flow.
* He should be making continual progress towards health. The following
record does not indicate a pattern of effort no matter how he spins it:
October 27: Downloaded 28 movie clips from HornyCollegeGirls.com
November 2: Browsed Craiglist personal ads
November 15: Created an account on AdultFriendFinder.com 'just out
of curiosity'
November 30: Met an 'online friend' for lunch
| Relapse: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back |
Perhaps your boyfriend has a group of friends or co-workers that trade XXX
photos or web addresses amongst themselves. This sort of male bonding is
unfortunately quite common these days. If he is unable to resist peer
pressure in a group, it could come down to a choice of finding new friends
or a new place to work. He isn't going to be able to stay clean if he
surrounds himself with those that are not on the same path.
Some of the most common slip ups can be conquered by looking at where
the computer is placed in the home and when it is used. Addicts by nature
will try to hide their behavior and isolate themselves. The computer
should be moved to a high traffic room where the screen is visible to
anyone walking by. It should have accountability software installed on it.
And for many guys staying away from anything electronic - computers, DVD
players, phones with Internet capability - after 9 PM can be extremely
helpful in the battle to stay clean.
Slip ups are horrible for you. They are ugly and can reopen your wounds.
You may feel as if this disgusting addiction can never be conquered. You
photos or web addresses amongst themselves. This sort of male bonding is
unfortunately quite common these days. If he is unable to resist peer
pressure in a group, it could come down to a choice of finding new friends
or a new place to work. He isn't going to be able to stay clean if he
surrounds himself with those that are not on the same path.
Some of the most common slip ups can be conquered by looking at where
the computer is placed in the home and when it is used. Addicts by nature
will try to hide their behavior and isolate themselves. The computer
should be moved to a high traffic room where the screen is visible to
anyone walking by. It should have accountability software installed on it.
And for many guys staying away from anything electronic - computers, DVD
players, phones with Internet capability - after 9 PM can be extremely
helpful in the battle to stay clean.
Slip ups are horrible for you. They are ugly and can reopen your wounds.
You may feel as if this disgusting addiction can never be conquered. You
may think your relationship is just spinning in its tracks. But this isn't
just about you and your feelings. (Ouch!) If he is honest and actively
working on getting on a healthy path, slip ups are needed from time to
time to help identify what he is feeling right before he indulges. Should
you ignore the slip up? NO! You will need to restate firm boundaries and
encourage him on the successes he has made so far. You will need to let
him know how his poor choices continue to injure you and rob you of
your safety and security in the relationship. Get ready to grit your teeth
as this is part of the successful partner's journey. Oh joy.
Let's be clear. PAH is asking you to consider the bigger picture of
recovery and understand that slip ups are to be allowed if earnest effort
is in place and progress is being made. PAH is not asking you to be so
accepting of relapses - days, weeks or months of bad behavior. An
addict will have rationalizations and excuses down to a science. Always,
always, always you as a wife or girlfriend of a man struggling with porn
will need to have both boundaries and actionable consequences in
place. Do not accept half-baked explanations or minimized/normalized
excuses. Just as you need to react appropriately to keep your
relationship healthy and his progress on track, he needs to be dedicated
and have a plan in place to help prevent slip ups. He is ultimately
responsible for his actions and should not be seeking Get Out Of Jail
Free cards. He either needs to be moving forward or you need to be
moving on.
just about you and your feelings. (Ouch!) If he is honest and actively
working on getting on a healthy path, slip ups are needed from time to
time to help identify what he is feeling right before he indulges. Should
you ignore the slip up? NO! You will need to restate firm boundaries and
encourage him on the successes he has made so far. You will need to let
him know how his poor choices continue to injure you and rob you of
your safety and security in the relationship. Get ready to grit your teeth
as this is part of the successful partner's journey. Oh joy.
Let's be clear. PAH is asking you to consider the bigger picture of
recovery and understand that slip ups are to be allowed if earnest effort
is in place and progress is being made. PAH is not asking you to be so
accepting of relapses - days, weeks or months of bad behavior. An
addict will have rationalizations and excuses down to a science. Always,
always, always you as a wife or girlfriend of a man struggling with porn
will need to have both boundaries and actionable consequences in
place. Do not accept half-baked explanations or minimized/normalized
excuses. Just as you need to react appropriately to keep your
relationship healthy and his progress on track, he needs to be dedicated
and have a plan in place to help prevent slip ups. He is ultimately
responsible for his actions and should not be seeking Get Out Of Jail
Free cards. He either needs to be moving forward or you need to be
moving on.
"My best suggestion is to find another activity to do in place of looking at the porn. It could be going for a walk, watching TV, or - if you must stay on the computer - talking to someone/people on a messaging service or playing a computer game. The best approach, however, would be to use your computer outside of your room. When I bought my desktop a few years ago, I made the conscious choice NOT to put it in my room because it would mean that I would be isolated from everyone in the house. So it's been almost two weeks since I posted this. It doesn't seem like that long. I've only been able to stay away from porn for one or two days in a row, at most. I looked at porn this morning and after eating lunch spent over five hours having cyber sex." |