Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts
Pornography Addiction - How to Set Boundaries - Part 1
It really is true. We teach others how to treat us.
What is a boundary? How can you develop effective boundary making? How do you communicate
them? Many women who are in relationships with men who have problems with porn face these
Simply stated, boundaries define who we are and what we stand for: our values, beliefs, standards.
Boundaries protect you from undesirable behavior; they also create a base for introducing behaviors
you want in your life. If you don't set boundaries you are giving him free license to do whatever he
wants. The first step in setting effective boundaries is to be still and ask yourself what you want and
need to have a happy, secure and fulfilling relationship. If it helps write these down.
- I want to feel loved and cherished.
- I want my husband to spend quality down time with the family on a consistent basis.
- I want to know that my partner is not looking at porn.
- I want a normal, mutually satisfying sex life.
The next piece of advice PAH can give you is to define what actionable steps someone could take to make your wants a reality. You are not creating a 'must do' list for someone, rather you are putting together ideas for a future conversation. No one is a mind reader. What would each of your wants look like broken down?
I want to feel loved and cherished:
- I would hear I Love You and Thank You every day.
- I would have someone ask me how my day was, have them
stop what they are doing, make eye contact and really listen
for five-ten minutes without trying to solve my problems for
me. Just listen.
- Every once in a while get a surprise - A note under my pillow.
An email or text message letting me know I am thought of. A
back rub. A foot massage. A single red rose.
This is somewhat of a fun exercise...until you get the third example in the above list. What would it look like to you to know that your partner is not looking at porn? What would this be in terms of actionable steps?
I want to know that my partner is not looking at porn.
- Install some sort of online accountability software
- Limit computer use at home - especially during my partner's
weakest times of day (early AM before work, late at night)
- Open, honest communication with my partner about his
commitment and struggles keeping porn-free on a regular basis
- Have my partner involved in some sort of support group
Don't read any further. Pick up a pen and write down what you need from your partner in order for
you to be assured that you have a porn-free relationship. When you are finished move onto Part Two.
Setting Boundaries Part 2
>> How to Quit Porn Addiction Starting Now