Pornography Addiction - Communicating Boundaries - Part 2
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It's About What You Say And How You Say It
Congratulations. You created a draft list of boundaries.
Now you need to communicate to your partner where you stand. Speaking up for who you are and
what you need in relationships keeps you from being co-dependent. It also will make him more
self-conscious of his actions and decisions which may in turn kick start him to make positive changes.
Even though your emotions are running high and every fiber of your body wants to you to scream
and really let him have it, please don't. Let him know kindly but firmly what your boundaries are
and how you need to be treated. When you do this in a healthy relationship, it will produce respect.
If your partner becomes combative and disrespectful and chooses not to listen to your limits, then
you may have to make some tough choices. Move directly to Part 3.
I want . . . .
The "I want. . . . ." statements should be specific and positive focusing on what you want in your
life, not what you don't want. "I want you to spend more time with me and your kids." "I want you
to ask me how my day was and really listen." "I want you to be the man I married, full of life with
varied interests." " I want you to tell me you love me." "I want you to choose me instead of the
computer."
Take your time when you are putting together your list of boundaries. This should not be created in
a day. This will be a high energy conversation. Some women elect to take crib notes into it. Take
the time to phrase the boundaries you need into the above three non-blaming sentence leaders.
When you are done, go to Part 3.
Congratulations. You created a draft list of boundaries.
Now you need to communicate to your partner where you stand. Speaking up for who you are and
what you need in relationships keeps you from being co-dependent. It also will make him more
self-conscious of his actions and decisions which may in turn kick start him to make positive changes.
Even though your emotions are running high and every fiber of your body wants to you to scream
and really let him have it, please don't. Let him know kindly but firmly what your boundaries are
and how you need to be treated. When you do this in a healthy relationship, it will produce respect.
If your partner becomes combative and disrespectful and chooses not to listen to your limits, then
you may have to make some tough choices. Move directly to Part 3.
I want . . . .
The "I want. . . . ." statements should be specific and positive focusing on what you want in your
life, not what you don't want. "I want you to spend more time with me and your kids." "I want you
to ask me how my day was and really listen." "I want you to be the man I married, full of life with
varied interests." " I want you to tell me you love me." "I want you to choose me instead of the
computer."
Take your time when you are putting together your list of boundaries. This should not be created in
a day. This will be a high energy conversation. Some women elect to take crib notes into it. Take
the time to phrase the boundaries you need into the above three non-blaming sentence leaders.
When you are done, go to Part 3.
When you communicate your boundaries to him, do so without blaming in a very
honest and direct manner. This means you should not use any phrase that has 'you do
this to me' in it (even if it is true) including: you are disrespectful of me, you make
me so angry, you are hurting me, etc.
Instead, use the following leaders to your sentences:
When you . . . . .
I feel . . . . .
I want . . . .
When you . . . . .
The "When you . . ." statement should describe his behavior very specifically in a
cause and effect manner. 'When you look at other women online I feel rejected,
unattractive, angry.' 'When you choose to masturbate instead of having sex with me, I
feel unloved and abandoned.'
I feel . . . . .
The "I feel . . . . ." statement should lay out your entire range of emotions. "I feel
shame, guilt, abandonment, anger, and sorrow." Many men caught in the
desensitizing world of porn do not know the impact of their actions on their
partners. Let him know how you feel without blaming.
