Pornography Addiction - Enforcing Boundaries - Part 3
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Copyright 2007-2008. Porn Addict Hubby. All rights reserved.
| PornAddictHubby.com |
| Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts |
This site is for informational purposes and is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.
Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say
You've created boundaries and have properly communicated them. Now you can kick back and
watch the long-awaited transformation happen, right? Wrong. It is not enough to set boundaries -
you need to do whatever is necessary to enforce them. It takes a lot of courage to face this
addiction head on. Now you have to walk the talk. Some women may face their partners testing
their boundaries, or outright defiantly ignoring them.
The key phrases at this stage are "If you, I will". Example: If you surf for porn online, I will make an
appointment for us to see a counselor/minister. If you don't attend support groups, I will pack up
and head over to my mother's home for a week. If you continue to surf for porn daily without
making an effort to control the compulsion, I will file for separation and start interviewing divorce
lawyers. It is important to be as specific as possible with descriptions of the undesirable behaviors
and descriptions of the actions you are ready to take.
PAH cannot stress enough the importance of setting only those consequences that you are ready to
act on. If you are not ready to leave the relationship, then do not threaten that you will. Say that
you will consider all of your options including leaving. If you set boundaries and do not enforce
them, it just gives him reason to believe you are The Boy Who Cried Wolf and he may regress to his
old patterns.
Pornography Addiction Resources
You've created boundaries and have properly communicated them. Now you can kick back and
watch the long-awaited transformation happen, right? Wrong. It is not enough to set boundaries -
you need to do whatever is necessary to enforce them. It takes a lot of courage to face this
addiction head on. Now you have to walk the talk. Some women may face their partners testing
their boundaries, or outright defiantly ignoring them.
The key phrases at this stage are "If you, I will". Example: If you surf for porn online, I will make an
appointment for us to see a counselor/minister. If you don't attend support groups, I will pack up
and head over to my mother's home for a week. If you continue to surf for porn daily without
making an effort to control the compulsion, I will file for separation and start interviewing divorce
lawyers. It is important to be as specific as possible with descriptions of the undesirable behaviors
and descriptions of the actions you are ready to take.
PAH cannot stress enough the importance of setting only those consequences that you are ready to
act on. If you are not ready to leave the relationship, then do not threaten that you will. Say that
you will consider all of your options including leaving. If you set boundaries and do not enforce
them, it just gives him reason to believe you are The Boy Who Cried Wolf and he may regress to his
old patterns.
Pornography Addiction Resources
The last and final stage is negotiation. Boundaries are
agreements negotiated between adults in healthy
relationships. You cannot simply draw a line in the sand
and expect things to fall in place for you. Example: If you
don't attend support groups, I will pack up and head over
to my mother's home for a week. You may want your
husband to join support groups. He may feel this is not the
best choice for him and can negotiate to see a counselor
for individual therapy instead. The point of this exercise is
to rescue your relationship and for your husband to make
better choices. As long as he is making progress and is
being open and honest with you, it shouldn't matter to you
what path he is choosing to heal. This is not a time to play
gestapo.
Setting a boundary should not be about controlling the
other person. You may want them to change, but they
have to make the internal transformation happen
themselves. What can you control? Defining yourself and
what is acceptable to you through setting and
communicating boundaries in an effective manner. By doing
so, you can take responsibility for your self and your life.
agreements negotiated between adults in healthy
relationships. You cannot simply draw a line in the sand
and expect things to fall in place for you. Example: If you
don't attend support groups, I will pack up and head over
to my mother's home for a week. You may want your
husband to join support groups. He may feel this is not the
best choice for him and can negotiate to see a counselor
for individual therapy instead. The point of this exercise is
to rescue your relationship and for your husband to make
better choices. As long as he is making progress and is
being open and honest with you, it shouldn't matter to you
what path he is choosing to heal. This is not a time to play
gestapo.
Setting a boundary should not be about controlling the
other person. You may want them to change, but they
have to make the internal transformation happen
themselves. What can you control? Defining yourself and
what is acceptable to you through setting and
communicating boundaries in an effective manner. By doing
so, you can take responsibility for your self and your life.
