PornAddictHubby.com

Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of
Internet Pornography Addicts

This site is for informational purposes and is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.

Sex Addiction and Your Energy Focus - HIM

One common strategy is to try to control the situation commando style. A wife or
girlfriend may regularly sift through the computer history for signs of porn use, grill him
on what types of pornography he has/is been accessing, password protect the computer
allowing only monitored access, threaten him with divorce or exposure, and may even
bait him posing as a woman on the Internet to see how he responds. The goal in these
actions is to regain a sense of control in a seemingly out of control situation. The
results you get with these types of policing tactics are like a cheap suit. It looks good
initially, but it will fall apart in the near future. If you seek accountability and honesty
between the two of you, which would be more meaningful: action because you demand
it or sincere effort from his heart? The end goal is always to increase intimacy. Intimacy
is born from emotional connection not coercion and demands.

You don't believe it when you first hear it from his mouth, but it is true. His porn use
has nothing directly to do with you. Say that you had a very challenging day. Your boss
reprimanded you at work or your car broke down again. How do you cope? Do you have
a few cookies or glasses of wine? Do you head to the mall for some shopping therapy?
These coping behaviors allow you to feel better in the short term but do not change the
status of your troubles. Are the cookies or glasses of wine the problem? No, your boss

remains hot and your car still has engine problems. The cookies, wine, or shopping trip were chosen by you as a way to deal with strong emotions.
The same goes for porn use. Many women mistakenly believe that porn use is the problem rather than a symptom of greater issues. For one reason
or another, your partner is most likely using porn as way to self-medicate or detach from the pressures of daily life. Does this minimize the pain you
feel? No, but it is important for you to understand nonetheless.

You are not able to control your partner's choices. The only way to achieve long-lasting recovery is for him to decide once and for all to distance
himself from porn. So what proactive steps can you take to help the process along?

Load up every PC and laptop in the home with accountability software. Programs like Covenant Eyes do not block pornography but they do log
each site accessed and email reports to both you and him on a regular basis. It sets an open door policy in the home. His Internet use becomes
transparent to you as yours does to him.
Clearly speak to him about your expectations and set boundaries. Very often we make the assumption our partner knows what we expect
from him and when we do not receive it we are disappointed. He is not a mind reader. You won't get what you want in the relationship unless
you ask for it.
Get him to clear out his porn stash. Most men who use porn on a regular basis keep a collection of their favorites. Perhaps it is a stack of DVDs
and magazines. Or hidden files of his favorite online clips. An alcoholic shouldn't keep a bottle of whisky around. A porn addict needs a clean
environment as well.
Watch his behavior. Men who use porn on a regular basis talk themselves and others into believing their words are their reality. If they say it,
then it must be true. This is how an addict manipulates and survives. He believes what he says when he is saying it and he expects others to
believe it as well. Watch his measurable behavior. If he tells you he is clean but you find he continues to surf in secrecy, which is the truth?
His behavior. If he tells you he wants to recover but skips therapist appointments, which is the truth? His behavior.
Have him create a plan. In order to succeed, he has to have a plan. Ask him what measurable behaviors he is committed to in order to recover
and where he will be recording his progress.

Try to get him enrolled in a program where he is assigned a male
accountability partner. This is important for a couple of reasons. He will
feel temptation to return back to his bad habits from time to time and
will need someone to talk it out with. In an ideal world, this wouldn't
be you. You have your own wounds to heal and fear of him backsliding is
already in the back of your mind. If he consistently uses you as a sound
board, he may feel better and make progress but at what price? You may
remain anxious, fearful and unable to get better.

The last thing to consider is that no one is perfect. You may find he makes
mistakes as he starts his journey. He may have a slip or relapse. A relapse is a
complete return to his previous behavior. A slip is a one time event while
making progress. When you are dieting, you can slip and eat a candy bar from
the vending machine at work on a particularly stressful day. You feel awful
afterward and the following day continue your diet with greater resolve. Slips
can be valuable learning experiences. As long as he is making steady progress
and is intent on changing, slips can be tolerated. Relapses signify there are
issues that still need to be uncovered and addressed.

Focusing on You