Number 10 - Turn a Blind Eye If you ignore his problem with porn, does it help the situation? Does his addiction go away? Of course not. In fact, you could inadvertently be giving him the idea that you are accepting of his porn use. Men who overuse porn on a regular basis can develop fogged rational thinking. If you don't raise the topic of your dislike, he could be interpreting your inaction as indifference, which in his mind is a form of acceptance. Who knew that your silence could be encouraging? Yikes.
This is fine as long as it is how you really feel about porn. But you will find yourself in a predicament if you act one way and feel a different way inside. Perhaps his former wife or girlfriend was labeled as 'uptight' or 'judgemental'. Perhaps your friends, coworkers or the mainstream media have convinced you that everyone is using online porn and its harmless. Whatever the situation, rest assured that your internal compass will always win. You will feel torn between your actions and your beliefs and your partner may feel some level of bait and switch. It's never worth it to feed his addiction or give him mixed messages.
heads on the street, and be yearning for intimacy yet there is again online checking out other women. Some may try to jockey for their loved one's attention by competing with the porn girls online. They may buy the same lacy thong underwear, practice Kama Sutra positions, bleach and style their hair into a porn diva look, fake tan, consider breast augmentation surgery, film and post online x-rated shots of themselves, etc. etc. etc. This may catch his attention for awhile, however if he is truly addicted to porn he will eventually turn back to the other girls online. The potential results? Depression, anxiety, and lowered self-esteem. You may keep yourself well- preserved but you will never be able to compete with the intensity and variety of the online images that are so addictive. There's only one of you; there are millions of images.
If he can't control himself, then you will do it for him. You may password protect the PC. You may use spyware to see which porn sites he frequents and then block them. You may only allow him to use the computer when you are home/in the same room. You may remove computers from the home altogether. Is the porn issue resolved, or does it just have a Band-Aid on it? You can't cure him of his addiction to porn just as you can't force someone to stop smoking or drinking. By getting over involved with policing his computer use, you may be limiting your ability to heal your own wounds. How can you relax and focus on yourself when you are constantly on guard? For many addicts, they simply take their addiction off-line. There will always be magazines, DVDs, strip clubs, etc. The only solution for long lasting recovery is for the man to learn to resist the urge to surf for porn on his own - BY HIMSELF AND FOR HIMSELF. Number 6 - Make Him Pay and Pay Dearly You feel angry, hurt and unchosen yet you want to work on your relationship. You want him to feel your pain but how does that bring you closer as a couple? He has to be responsible for his actions and you have to be responsible for your reactions. You can get the relationship back on track but both of you need to be honest and mindful. Are your words and actions working for the relationship or against the relationship?
identified, put your heads together and try to determine how each of you can take positive, measurable steps towards eliminating it and replacing it with a positive trait. |
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Copyright 2007-2012. Porn Addict Hubby. All rights reserved.
| Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts |
This site is for informational purposes and is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.
Top Ten Mistakes Wives and Girlfriends of Porn Addicts Make
Most women have little or no experience dealing with addiction, let alone sexual addiction.
Learn from others that have gone before you. PAH is counting down the top ten mistakes
commonly made when dealing with a boyfriend or husband's addiction to porn.
- lack of eye contact
- lack of passion, excitement and fun together
- verbal, physical and/or emotional abuse
- predictable, routine interactions
- few expressions of caring & tenderness
- unexpressed feelings
- avoiding conflict or avoiding resolution of conflict
- avoiding time alone together
- presence of unspoken or unresolved anger and
resentment - unexpressed or unrealistic expectations and
assumptions - being afraid to ask for what you want
- saying and/or doing only what you think your partner
wants - lying, deceiving, game playing, passive aggression
- trying to change your partner's basic character
- stifling your partners' growth as an individual
- blaming your partner for most or all of your
relationship/life problems - ignoring the impact of your family of origin on your
relationship - assuming your know what your partner thinks and feels
- living in the past
- emphasize problems and negativity
