Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts

Featured Expert - Diony George





 
Alyson thinks her life is perfect. Hectic and tiring, of course, but no more so than any other 
wife and mother of four boys. But with her husband becoming increasingly distant, Alyson 
someone she loves dearly are about to change her life forever. Alyson never imagined it could 
happen to her, and when it did she realized it could happen to anyone... Based on a true story,  
is a heart rending inside look at how pornography can rip families apart and shatter the lives of 
everyone involved. This growing problem can infect any family and often goes unnoticed for 
years. Full of heartache and courage, 
Torn ApartTorn Apart provides hope for those affected 
unnoticed for years. Full of  provides hope for those affected by pornography by showing that, 
through God's love, even this devastating addiction can be overcome. More information can be 
found at 
www.TornApartByPorn.com and www.diony-george.blogspot.com.


PAH: It is always easier to see a problem in a relationship when you are not the one in the relationship. Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back at your first marriage, what actions do you wish you would have taken that you didn't?

Diony George: In my research for Torn Apart I learned a lot about compassion. I realized the overwhelming control porn can have over someone, how devastatingly it can affect their life, self-worth, sense of reality and their view of women. A husbands’ addiction to porn is not his wife’s fault—they crave the powerful chemical reaction porn creates in their bodies. That craving can become a sickness so strong it can take over everything else of value in their life. I wish I knew and recognized those signs in my husband and had confronted him early on in our marriage. I wish I could have reassured him of my love and commitment and together gotten the help he needed before it was too late for us.

PAH: You found a letter written to your first husband from his co-worker graphically describing a sexual experience they had shared. You confided in your mother and were told not believe the letter; she explained it off as some kind of fantasy on the part of the woman. You confided in your bishop who spoke with your first husband and concluded he was lying. Your husband gave you the 
ultimatum 'Either you believe me or you believe the bishop.' You chose to believe your husband. Why? If your daughter came to you in the future with a similar concern, how would you counsel her?


Diony George: When the facts are laid out as they are in the question, logically the decision I made to stay with my husband might not make sense. If I was reading this about someone else I would wonder how the person could not see what was obvious. But, my heart and emotions were involved, as well as the well-being and security of my children. I did not believe 100% my husband was telling me the truth and I did have many doubts and concerns. However, we just reconciled after several months separation. Part of me hoped and believed if I could change myself, my husband would be happy. I thought some of what he’d done must be my fault. I wasn’t ready to abandon the sliver of hope I was hanging on too, especially for my sons, and the chance my marriage could still become what I wanted it to be.

If my daughters came to me with similar concerns now that I have a completed picture from my own experiences, I would counsel them their husband seemed to have a serious problem. I would encourage them to get professional intervention to try and save their marriage. If not they needed to prepare for the possibility of a divorce.

PAH: At one point your brother called to comfort and encourage you. What did he say and why were his words of support so important? How did he give you the courage to ask for a divorce?

Diony George: When my brother called I had been in constant turmoil over the state of my marriage. I was battling the logical side of my brain with the emotional side. As he talked to me, discussing things he had seen in my husband over the years and what kind of a person I was, he was validating what I already knew. That reminder struck a chord and I realized I already had the answer. With his 
added clarity and support, I found the strength I needed to do it.

PAH: It was up to you to announce that you wanted a divorce. Were you surprised that there was no resistance to the idea on your husband's part? Why?

Diony George: Part of me was surprised my husband offered no resistance to getting a divorce, mainly because the first time we were separated and he realized I was ready to move on without him he begged for a second chance. On top of that we had been going to marriage counseling. Several times before or after a session he would say he wanted us to stay together. When he didn’t resist I was shocked, especially by his calmly-stated short response. I had struggled greatly to make my final decision, part of me worried if he protested and made promises to change I might give in because of my fears about being alone. When he didn’t after my initial inner reaction, his acceptance ultimately made it easier to move foreword. I was glad.

PAH: You had clues to his pornography use along the way: adult tapes left in the VCR machine, ads for sex toys, a poorly explained P.O. Box rental receipt, drawings of nude women crafted by your 4 year old. Your first husband only admitted his problem with pornography after you had filed for divorce. Do you feel it was easier for him when the 'game was over' or was it his venerable state of mind having returned from church court where he was excommunicated?

Diony George: I believe it was easier after the church court. Because he had confessed already, feeling greatly relieved and for the first time in years recognizing where his wrong choices led him, he was ready open up with me.

PAH: Experience is the best teacher. What would you say to other women facing similar struggles and decisions with husbands addicted to pornography?

Diony George:

1.        Trust that “inner voice” when you feel something is not right. You’re experiencing that for a reason.
2.        Never blame yourself. Your husbands addiction is not your fault or because you are lacking in some way.
It’s been amazing to me as I’ve talked to many women facing this in their marriages, how beautiful, smart, talented, and loving they are.
3.        Confront your husband about your suspicions or concerns with his involvement in porn as calmly as possible. Not to say that you shouldn’t tell him how hurt or angry his choices have made you, but try to do it without emotional extremes.
Men are much more willing to open up when they don’t feel attacked or criticized.
4.        Learn all you can about pornography addiction. Understand the signs, symptoms and meaning behind your husbands’ choices and actions.
5.        If you decide to stay together and work on your marriage, get involved with a support group for wives. It helps so much to be with other women who are facing the same challenges you are.
6.        Compliment even the smallest progress you see your husband make. If he comes to you and tells you when he’s slipped and viewed porn, thank him for telling you. Encourage him, support him, and tell him often that you love him.
7.        If your husband isn’t remorseful or willing to change make the best long-term choice for you and your children.
8.        When your ready and have had sufficient time to grieve, ask God to help you forgive your husband. Whether he changes or not, do it for you. Forgiveness is the only way to restore peace to your heart.



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