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What happens after the initial confrontation with your husband or boyfriend regarding his problem with porn? For many men, it is a wake
up call and the porn addiction slows down somewhat. Although you may be pleased with the changes he has made, you may also just be
waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is the number one mistake wives and girlfriends make.
It is easy to focus a lot of attention and energy on his problem with porn. Should you believe that he is making progress? Is he keeping
himself clean? What should you be doing during this time? Many women work so hard at getting things right with their husbands or
boyfriends, that it becomes their only focus. They may turn to policing Internet and cable TV usage in their homes. Or they become pros
at scanning for potential trigger material in the mail, on billboards or on the TV. If you are focusing a great deal of your attention and
energy on his problems and challenges, you may be short changing yourself. Do you find it difficult to concentrate? Have you distanced
yourself from friends and family or lost interest in activities that you used to enjoy? Have you made changes in your eating patterns - too
little or too much? Do you find yourself emotionally overwhelmed and lethargic? While you are working at getting your marriage or
relationship back on track, you need to take care of yourself and your own needs.
It has been said elsewhere on PAH, but this is a good place to restate it. This is his problem with porn, not yours. He created the problem
and only he is able to fix it. It is important to set personal boundaries regarding porn use in your home. It is also important to set up some
system of accountability. He should be able to express regret and remorse for his poor decisions and he should be involved in some
program of recovery. Then you need to start turning your attention back on healing yourself.
up call and the porn addiction slows down somewhat. Although you may be pleased with the changes he has made, you may also just be
waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is the number one mistake wives and girlfriends make.
It is easy to focus a lot of attention and energy on his problem with porn. Should you believe that he is making progress? Is he keeping
himself clean? What should you be doing during this time? Many women work so hard at getting things right with their husbands or
boyfriends, that it becomes their only focus. They may turn to policing Internet and cable TV usage in their homes. Or they become pros
at scanning for potential trigger material in the mail, on billboards or on the TV. If you are focusing a great deal of your attention and
energy on his problems and challenges, you may be short changing yourself. Do you find it difficult to concentrate? Have you distanced
yourself from friends and family or lost interest in activities that you used to enjoy? Have you made changes in your eating patterns - too
little or too much? Do you find yourself emotionally overwhelmed and lethargic? While you are working at getting your marriage or
relationship back on track, you need to take care of yourself and your own needs.
It has been said elsewhere on PAH, but this is a good place to restate it. This is his problem with porn, not yours. He created the problem
and only he is able to fix it. It is important to set personal boundaries regarding porn use in your home. It is also important to set up some
system of accountability. He should be able to express regret and remorse for his poor decisions and he should be involved in some
program of recovery. Then you need to start turning your attention back on healing yourself.
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Copyright 2007-2012. Porn Addict Hubby. All rights reserved.
| Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts |
This site is for informational purposes and is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.
One of the biggest problems couples dealing with pornography addiction face is the
you on a regular basis. There is no way to get around the software when logging on
and all XXX sites can still be accessed. You will soon know what challenges he faces,
if any. Technology got you into this mess, technology can get you out if it. When this
program is in place, you can remove yourself from the role of policeman. It can
change the dynamics of your relationship for the better. The first 30 days are free
with the link above. What do you have to lose?
Another common issue is setting appropriate expectations for the addict and the
partner during the recovery process. Many women want to know if they should allow
him to falter a bit, discuss the mistake with him and be supportive OR get mad and
insist on no mistakes. First, let's be straight. Nobody is perfect, not even you.
Chances are, the two of you will face some hiccups on the recovery path ahead.
There are two kinds of hiccups - a slip up and a relapse. A relapse is a
'devil-may-care' full blown step backwards into the former behavior and should not
be tolerated. A slip up is that - a one time incident that can be used as a learning
experience. Overuse of porn is a compulsive behavior not unlike emotional eating.
Just like that candy bar from the vending machine, porn can be a quick feel-good
solution for a bad day. The problem isn't really the candy bar or the porn; the real
problem is the emotional trigger behind it. He can learn what triggers him by using
the AA acronym HALT; Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Add Bored and Stressed to the
list. If he know which of these internal moods is most often present prior to him
acting out, then he can develop a plan for responding to that trigger. If he slips up,
talk about it. Let him know you are disappointed, angry, sad (however you are
feeling) and then discuss his trigger and steps he can take to help prevent it from
happening again.
Page 2
you on a regular basis. There is no way to get around the software when logging on
and all XXX sites can still be accessed. You will soon know what challenges he faces,
if any. Technology got you into this mess, technology can get you out if it. When this
program is in place, you can remove yourself from the role of policeman. It can
change the dynamics of your relationship for the better. The first 30 days are free
with the link above. What do you have to lose?
Another common issue is setting appropriate expectations for the addict and the
partner during the recovery process. Many women want to know if they should allow
him to falter a bit, discuss the mistake with him and be supportive OR get mad and
insist on no mistakes. First, let's be straight. Nobody is perfect, not even you.
Chances are, the two of you will face some hiccups on the recovery path ahead.
There are two kinds of hiccups - a slip up and a relapse. A relapse is a
'devil-may-care' full blown step backwards into the former behavior and should not
be tolerated. A slip up is that - a one time incident that can be used as a learning
experience. Overuse of porn is a compulsive behavior not unlike emotional eating.
Just like that candy bar from the vending machine, porn can be a quick feel-good
solution for a bad day. The problem isn't really the candy bar or the porn; the real
problem is the emotional trigger behind it. He can learn what triggers him by using
the AA acronym HALT; Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Add Bored and Stressed to the
list. If he know which of these internal moods is most often present prior to him
acting out, then he can develop a plan for responding to that trigger. If he slips up,
talk about it. Let him know you are disappointed, angry, sad (however you are
feeling) and then discuss his trigger and steps he can take to help prevent it from
happening again.
Page 2
"In the beginning I was one of those hands-on wives that thought I knew better than him what he needed to do to kick his porn addiction. I wouldn't let him use the computer unless I was in the room with him. I monitored all cable TV bills, visa bills, phone bills, incoming and outgoing mail, etc. When he started feeling better, I became resentful because I was still feeling awful inside. I realized I was keeping myself busy minding his business and was ignoring the work I needed to do to get myself feeling better. I loaded Covenant Eyes on all the PCs, joined the PAH discussion board, started a journal to name all of the difficult emotions I was having trouble dealing with, and started walking at least a mile every day. After only two months, I feel a level of progress and control over my own life. Thanks!" |
