Ask The Expert! Every month in 2008, we will feature an interview with an expert on pornography addiction and its impact on the wife or girlfriend. Bookmark this site to check out our future interview schedule and to submit questions to the featured expert. |
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| PornAddictHubby.com |
| Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts |
This site is for informational purposes and is not meant to be a substitute for professional counseling.
April's Featured Expert - XXXChurch, Shellie R. Warren
Shellie R. Warren is a twice published author and expert on pornography addiction. She is
currently counseling women addicted to pornography through XXXChurch.com. XXXChurch's
mission is to make you think, react, and to decide where you stand on the issues of porn.
They're not here to sling mud, but to shove the envelope and try and do some good.
You are with "The #1 Christian Porn Site", XXXChurch. What are your responsibilities for the organization? What do you like best about your role?
I am...hmm, I'm not real sure what my "official title" would be. Basically, I am the female "Q&A" face for the site. A couple of years ago, Craig (the founder
of XXXChurch.com) and I discussed my being a feature blogger for the website because they wanted a female voice/presence on the site and I was looking
for a way to share some of my personal revelations after being freed from sexual abuse/misuse. It seemed like the perfect fit. So far, on most levels, it has
been.
Those 26 and under are known as the Internet generation. They grew up with it; Internet access has always been a part of their world. It is estimated that
50% of the porn addicts under the age of 26 are female. How are many female addicts introduced to porn and why do they become addicted?
You know how with most stats it says, "of reported cases"? When it comes to women and porn, I would say this phrase definitely applies. I am sure many
more women have been affected in some way whether it's porn in the form of erotica, Cinemax, hard core, Internet downloads, or magazines. (Yes, there
are women who read Playboy and Playgirl and it ain't for the articles!)
Why? I don't think I have enough time nor do you have enough space for me to get into all of the reasons, but I think there are two big ones. One is that
although this is a highly-sexed society, amazingly, there is a still a stigma surrounding what "good girls" do and don't do. I think for reputation reasons and
even for physical health reasons, a lot of young women are turning to porn because it's a "quiet, clean" way to deal with their sexual
needs/appetites/frustrations. Because it's a fantasy form of sexuality (and no matter how real it may seem, it ain't), I think a lot of women believe that
they can let someone else be "the nasty one" while they simply watch. In other words, "Surely it's better that I watch someone else have sex than have sex
myself." I'm not so sure that's the case, though, because while it may prevent you from "being put on blast" as it relates to your sex life and while you may
not get pregnant or an STD, it can severely affect you on a psychological level.
That brings me to reason #2: I am actually someone who had a porn addiction for a couple of years. It was introduced to me by a boyfriend...well, "friends
with benefits" partner. Initially, he showed it to me hoping it would "turn me on". I must admit that because it was hard core porn, it intrigued me
because I had never seen anything so raw. I mean, even when I have sex, I don't see all that I do like when I'm watching a porn tape. But I kept watching it
because I felt that was what my partner was wanting me to do with him; like it was his "tactful" way of telling me that I wasn't giving him what he wanted.
So, I found myself using it as some warped instruction manual. But here's the tricky thing about porn: There is never a pique that you reach. First it's man
on woman. Then it's woman on woman. Then it's man with two women. Then it's orgies...I think you get where I am going with this. From personal
experience, I think one of the biggest problems with porn is that it encourages people to take the intimacy out of sex, when it's the intimacy that is
actually the best part of a sexual experience. If I am so concerned with "topping" the last thing I saw or did, after awhile, the person with me is just an
object, but not necessarily the object of my affection.
Porn addiction for a man is damaging, Porn addiction for a woman can be life altering. How?
I think one of the biggest problems with porn is that it hinders you from developing healthy communication skills with your partner. There are so many
women in relationships that are resorting to some sort of porn because they are too afraid, too tired or too jaded to address the needs that they have with
their mates. A lot of women have been taught that sex is more for a man than a woman and that simply is not true. Sex is to be a holistically (emotional,
spiritual, physical) beneficial experience for both partners, but it's almost like we believe that we are supposed to be an afterthought; as long as our man is
taken care of, we've done our part. If you are in a committed relationship, or more specifically, a marital union, I would recommend you get one of my
favorite books. It's called "Sacred Sex" and it's by Tim Alan Gardner. It addresses issues like shame, stigmas and orgasms from a spiritual perspective. And,
it reminds women in a wonderful way that sex is meant for us to enjoy, too.
As a single woman, I think porn can be damaging long-term because it creates mythical ideas in our minds that sex is just the way we see or read about it. I
have researched that a lot of women are more drawn the "cable porn" than "video store porn" and that's because it has soft lighting, so-called perfect bodies
and men who make women climax (on cue) every single time. Anyone who has had sex before knows that this is not the case. Sex isn't about perfection;
it's about connection. There have been more than a few women who have told me that because they were so used to porn and masturbation before getting
married, it was hard to be patient with their mate after marriage when it came to their man meeting their needs. I think that's unfortunate. I believe that
a big part of getting to the climax is enjoying the journey on the way. I made a concerted effort to detox from my own porn issues and this was one of the
main reasons why. I didn't want to expect my husband to be anything or anyone, but himself---the man that I love and accept as unconditionally as I
possibly can.
You are the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption. Tell us about your background and experience with porn addiction and what lead
you to writing your book.
Ah, my "first born". Inside of Me is what my mother calls, "emotional throw-up" and on a lot of levels, she's right. It's basically a memoir of my twenties as
it relates to my sex life. It addresses my foundation, which includes sexual abuse, but it takes readers through a path that I call "sexual misuse". Abuse is
what someone does to you. To me, misuse is what you do to yourself. I was always told that I had a great body and I was "sexy" and so I pretty much
believed that those were my best assets. As a result, I aborted four children, slept with numerous partners unprotected, slept with other people's
boyfriends, got an STD...the list goes on and on. But, I think one thing that makes my book different from a lot of the ones that people read is that it
addresses the emotional ramifications of sexual misuse. I spent so many years letting my sexuality define me that I forgot there was more to me than that.
The porn addiction part I already addressed, but let me say this: I once heard Dr. Drew Pinsky say that addiction is not about frequency or type, but
consequence. I knew I had an addiction to sex and porn because it was eating away at my inner being and I didn't care enough to stop it for a long time. If
you're wondering if you have an addiction, that is one of the first questions that I would recommend you asking yourself: Is it causing me to be a lesser
version of who I am when I engage in it?
If a woman feels she is addicted to porn and finds herself getting involved in relationships with men addicted to porn time and time again, what steps
should she take to break the cycle?
1) Spend a season in abstinence. Oh, trust me, it ain't easy but as someone walking the path, I've realized that when I was sexually active, I spent a lot of
time letting other people define me. If the man was happy, I guess I was, too. If he was satisfied, I guess that's all that mattered. If he wanted sex this way
or that, I guess I did as well. Abstaining from sex doesn't just cause you to abstain from the act, but the people you are participating in the act with as well
and sometimes that’s a really good thing. My favorite definition of insanity is "people who do the same thing expecting a different result". If you find
yourself in the same place and you don't like it there, don't wait on your outer circumstances to change; change starts internally.
2) Cut your access to whatever is the lifeline to your addiction. If it's Cinemax, downgrade your cable package. If it's books, have a bonfire. If it's the
Internet, whew...I don't know too many people who want to disconnect their connection, but you might want to look into a website that holds you
accountable. We have some software at X3Church.com that's good for that. If it's a man...at least for a season, yep, he's gotta go, too.
3) Replace it with something else. I think one thing that causes people to slip back into their old habits is that they don't find something to fill the void. If
late night is a struggle for you, try reading a different kind of book before going to bed. Oh, and reward yourself for every single triumph. Tell yourself at
the beginning of the week that if you go a week without downloading, you will go get a pedicure or a massage.
4) Create a pros and cons list. A lot of people quit because they "feel" that they should, but they don't really believe it. Roy Disney once said that it’s not
hard to make a decision when you know what your values are. If you are still holding on to pornography, be honest with yourself about what the pay off
is/isn't. Sometimes seeing it in black and white makes things seem not so gray.
5) Get on a buddy system. Right now, in my abstinence, I have people that I can call when I am weak and it's great because a lot of times when you want
some relief from a habit, all you can see is that release you'll get from the "high", but you tend to minimize what's waiting for you when you "crash". I have
girlfriends I will call and they'll say, "Have sex with him for what? So you can call me crying two weeks from now when he doesn't return your phone
call?" I have male friends who I will call and they'll say, "Sleep with him for what? So you can be another notch on his belt?" It's amazing how much of a
libido stabilizer those kinds of conversations are!
BONUS: Be gentle with yourself. It didn't take you a day to get into the addiction. It will take more than a day to get out. You are not a bad person
because you like porn. But for that reason alone, the shame that tends to surround it, it’s a good enough reason to ponder letting the addiction go.
Anything you do should be for the purpose of making you a better person...that starts with doing things that make you feel good about who you are. I can't
remember the last time I heard a woman proudly boast of being a porn addict...there's a reason for that. :-)
I am...hmm, I'm not real sure what my "official title" would be. Basically, I am the female "Q&A" face for the site. A couple of years ago, Craig (the founder
of XXXChurch.com) and I discussed my being a feature blogger for the website because they wanted a female voice/presence on the site and I was looking
for a way to share some of my personal revelations after being freed from sexual abuse/misuse. It seemed like the perfect fit. So far, on most levels, it has
been.
Those 26 and under are known as the Internet generation. They grew up with it; Internet access has always been a part of their world. It is estimated that
50% of the porn addicts under the age of 26 are female. How are many female addicts introduced to porn and why do they become addicted?
You know how with most stats it says, "of reported cases"? When it comes to women and porn, I would say this phrase definitely applies. I am sure many
more women have been affected in some way whether it's porn in the form of erotica, Cinemax, hard core, Internet downloads, or magazines. (Yes, there
are women who read Playboy and Playgirl and it ain't for the articles!)
Why? I don't think I have enough time nor do you have enough space for me to get into all of the reasons, but I think there are two big ones. One is that
although this is a highly-sexed society, amazingly, there is a still a stigma surrounding what "good girls" do and don't do. I think for reputation reasons and
even for physical health reasons, a lot of young women are turning to porn because it's a "quiet, clean" way to deal with their sexual
needs/appetites/frustrations. Because it's a fantasy form of sexuality (and no matter how real it may seem, it ain't), I think a lot of women believe that
they can let someone else be "the nasty one" while they simply watch. In other words, "Surely it's better that I watch someone else have sex than have sex
myself." I'm not so sure that's the case, though, because while it may prevent you from "being put on blast" as it relates to your sex life and while you may
not get pregnant or an STD, it can severely affect you on a psychological level.
That brings me to reason #2: I am actually someone who had a porn addiction for a couple of years. It was introduced to me by a boyfriend...well, "friends
with benefits" partner. Initially, he showed it to me hoping it would "turn me on". I must admit that because it was hard core porn, it intrigued me
because I had never seen anything so raw. I mean, even when I have sex, I don't see all that I do like when I'm watching a porn tape. But I kept watching it
because I felt that was what my partner was wanting me to do with him; like it was his "tactful" way of telling me that I wasn't giving him what he wanted.
So, I found myself using it as some warped instruction manual. But here's the tricky thing about porn: There is never a pique that you reach. First it's man
on woman. Then it's woman on woman. Then it's man with two women. Then it's orgies...I think you get where I am going with this. From personal
experience, I think one of the biggest problems with porn is that it encourages people to take the intimacy out of sex, when it's the intimacy that is
actually the best part of a sexual experience. If I am so concerned with "topping" the last thing I saw or did, after awhile, the person with me is just an
object, but not necessarily the object of my affection.
Porn addiction for a man is damaging, Porn addiction for a woman can be life altering. How?
I think one of the biggest problems with porn is that it hinders you from developing healthy communication skills with your partner. There are so many
women in relationships that are resorting to some sort of porn because they are too afraid, too tired or too jaded to address the needs that they have with
their mates. A lot of women have been taught that sex is more for a man than a woman and that simply is not true. Sex is to be a holistically (emotional,
spiritual, physical) beneficial experience for both partners, but it's almost like we believe that we are supposed to be an afterthought; as long as our man is
taken care of, we've done our part. If you are in a committed relationship, or more specifically, a marital union, I would recommend you get one of my
favorite books. It's called "Sacred Sex" and it's by Tim Alan Gardner. It addresses issues like shame, stigmas and orgasms from a spiritual perspective. And,
it reminds women in a wonderful way that sex is meant for us to enjoy, too.
As a single woman, I think porn can be damaging long-term because it creates mythical ideas in our minds that sex is just the way we see or read about it. I
have researched that a lot of women are more drawn the "cable porn" than "video store porn" and that's because it has soft lighting, so-called perfect bodies
and men who make women climax (on cue) every single time. Anyone who has had sex before knows that this is not the case. Sex isn't about perfection;
it's about connection. There have been more than a few women who have told me that because they were so used to porn and masturbation before getting
married, it was hard to be patient with their mate after marriage when it came to their man meeting their needs. I think that's unfortunate. I believe that
a big part of getting to the climax is enjoying the journey on the way. I made a concerted effort to detox from my own porn issues and this was one of the
main reasons why. I didn't want to expect my husband to be anything or anyone, but himself---the man that I love and accept as unconditionally as I
possibly can.
You are the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption. Tell us about your background and experience with porn addiction and what lead
you to writing your book.
Ah, my "first born". Inside of Me is what my mother calls, "emotional throw-up" and on a lot of levels, she's right. It's basically a memoir of my twenties as
it relates to my sex life. It addresses my foundation, which includes sexual abuse, but it takes readers through a path that I call "sexual misuse". Abuse is
what someone does to you. To me, misuse is what you do to yourself. I was always told that I had a great body and I was "sexy" and so I pretty much
believed that those were my best assets. As a result, I aborted four children, slept with numerous partners unprotected, slept with other people's
boyfriends, got an STD...the list goes on and on. But, I think one thing that makes my book different from a lot of the ones that people read is that it
addresses the emotional ramifications of sexual misuse. I spent so many years letting my sexuality define me that I forgot there was more to me than that.
The porn addiction part I already addressed, but let me say this: I once heard Dr. Drew Pinsky say that addiction is not about frequency or type, but
consequence. I knew I had an addiction to sex and porn because it was eating away at my inner being and I didn't care enough to stop it for a long time. If
you're wondering if you have an addiction, that is one of the first questions that I would recommend you asking yourself: Is it causing me to be a lesser
version of who I am when I engage in it?
If a woman feels she is addicted to porn and finds herself getting involved in relationships with men addicted to porn time and time again, what steps
should she take to break the cycle?
1) Spend a season in abstinence. Oh, trust me, it ain't easy but as someone walking the path, I've realized that when I was sexually active, I spent a lot of
time letting other people define me. If the man was happy, I guess I was, too. If he was satisfied, I guess that's all that mattered. If he wanted sex this way
or that, I guess I did as well. Abstaining from sex doesn't just cause you to abstain from the act, but the people you are participating in the act with as well
and sometimes that’s a really good thing. My favorite definition of insanity is "people who do the same thing expecting a different result". If you find
yourself in the same place and you don't like it there, don't wait on your outer circumstances to change; change starts internally.
2) Cut your access to whatever is the lifeline to your addiction. If it's Cinemax, downgrade your cable package. If it's books, have a bonfire. If it's the
Internet, whew...I don't know too many people who want to disconnect their connection, but you might want to look into a website that holds you
accountable. We have some software at X3Church.com that's good for that. If it's a man...at least for a season, yep, he's gotta go, too.
3) Replace it with something else. I think one thing that causes people to slip back into their old habits is that they don't find something to fill the void. If
late night is a struggle for you, try reading a different kind of book before going to bed. Oh, and reward yourself for every single triumph. Tell yourself at
the beginning of the week that if you go a week without downloading, you will go get a pedicure or a massage.
4) Create a pros and cons list. A lot of people quit because they "feel" that they should, but they don't really believe it. Roy Disney once said that it’s not
hard to make a decision when you know what your values are. If you are still holding on to pornography, be honest with yourself about what the pay off
is/isn't. Sometimes seeing it in black and white makes things seem not so gray.
5) Get on a buddy system. Right now, in my abstinence, I have people that I can call when I am weak and it's great because a lot of times when you want
some relief from a habit, all you can see is that release you'll get from the "high", but you tend to minimize what's waiting for you when you "crash". I have
girlfriends I will call and they'll say, "Have sex with him for what? So you can call me crying two weeks from now when he doesn't return your phone
call?" I have male friends who I will call and they'll say, "Sleep with him for what? So you can be another notch on his belt?" It's amazing how much of a
libido stabilizer those kinds of conversations are!
BONUS: Be gentle with yourself. It didn't take you a day to get into the addiction. It will take more than a day to get out. You are not a bad person
because you like porn. But for that reason alone, the shame that tends to surround it, it’s a good enough reason to ponder letting the addiction go.
Anything you do should be for the purpose of making you a better person...that starts with doing things that make you feel good about who you are. I can't
remember the last time I heard a woman proudly boast of being a porn addict...there's a reason for that. :-)
Porn addiction effects women and men. It is estimated that up to 50% of women age 26 or younger have had a problem with porn at one point or another. |
